It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gotta get this out....

This post is going to be a little different, because it's not completely going to be about Adam like all of my other posts have been. 

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, then you know how long I have been wanting a 2nd living child.  I say "living child" because I consider Adam to be my second child, but I have been wanting a living sibling for Allison for over 2 years now.  If you haven't been following me since the beginning, then I will give you a recap.  In September 2008 we tried to get pregnant after receiving the news that my rheumatoid arthritis was progressing and I would need to be on medication to stop any further joint damage and the medication couldn't be taken during pregnancy.  We conceived right away, but a few days after I got a positive test, I had a very early miscarriage.  The dr's call it a "chemical pregnancy".  Whatever you call it, it still hurt really bad.  We tried again right away and I got pregnant right away again.  This time it lasted until 7.5 weeks when I had an ultrasound that showed that the pregnancy had stopped growing a couple weeks before.  I had to have a procedure called a d&e since my body wasn't recognizing that the pregnancy had stopped progressing.  After the procedure, my Dr told me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  The 3 cycles went by and I got pregnant again.  This time, with twins.  Only at 8.5 weeks, twin A stopped growing.  The remaining twin was Adam and of course you know how that went.  After Adam we weren't sure if we were going to try again.  Then in July of this year we decided that we were ready.  I got pregnant right away again, but had another early loss shortly after getting a positive test.  I saw my Dr and he ran tests to see if there was a reason for all of these losses, but he couldn't find anything.  In September, we started trying again and this time it took 3 months to become pregnant.

And this is where the present story comes in.  I started out very optimistic  about this pregnancy and started telling family at about 5 weeks.  A few days later, I started cramping and spotting and was sure I was having a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing there to indicate a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy.  I was sent for more blood work and then would come back for another ultrasound.  At that one, there was growth.  There was actually a gestational sac and the start of something in it.  I left pretty confused because I had actually started bleeding and didn't understand how I wasn't miscarrying.  A few days later the dr brought me back in for another ultrasound and told me that there was more development and now there was also a yolk sac and the start of a fetal pole, BUT it appeared that the sac was implanted in my cervix instead of my uterus.  A pregnancy cannot continue in the cervix because there isn't enough room for the baby to grow and if it did continue, I would eventually bleed out and die.  I was referred to a specialist who confirmed this diagnosis when he did  his own ultrasound and then told me that I would need a shot to end the pregnancy.    During this last ultrasound, there was further development and a heartbeat...  My baby was alive and I had to kill it by ending the pregnancy or it would kill me!  I knew I had to get the shots or I would be leaving Allison without a mother. 

I cried and kept asking God "Why?"  After everything we had been through with Adam, why was this happening?  Haven't I been through enough already?  On the way home, I told my baby (who I believe was a girl) that I was so sorry that I had to do that and to please go to Heaven, that her big brother Adam was there to show her around.  I told her that mommy would see her again someday and that I loved her.  In my head I know I did what I had to do, but my heart hurts so bad.  Today has been a week since I got the shots and my head is still telling me that I killed my baby.  I just don't understand why I can't have a second living child.  It seems like everybody I know is announcing that they are pregnant these days.  I would love to give it one more shot, but Steve is totally against it and I don't know if I can take anymore heartache.  I am also upset for Allison.  I don't know what I would do without my brother and sisters and she is going to grow up without any.  I feel like she is being cheated.  It also doesn't help that she constantly prays to have a baby sister.  And I can't give her one. 

We weren't going to share this with anyone, and Steve doesn't even know I am writing this.  But keeping this inside has been eating me alive.  I want another baby!  I want to be pregnant!  I want to give Allison a sibling!  Every time I see a pregnancy announcement, an ultrasound picture, a pregnant woman complaining about being nauseous, a mother of a newborn complaining about not getting any sleep,  it makes me want to scream and cry.  I am becoming so bitter!  For the new year, I am going to have to guard my heart until it can heal some.  Until I come to terms with Allison being my only child that I get to see grow up.  I am going to try to stay away from Facebook, Babycenter and even the blogs.  I will be back and try to catch up with everybody when I feel like I am stronger, but right now, it is just too much...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The post I never wrote

I can't believe I haven't written a blog since Adam's birthday.  I have been wanting to, many times.  And it's not because I don't miss Adam or that I have forgotten about him.  I just haven't been in the place to share what I am feeling because it is the same feelings over and over again.  I miss Adam.  I wish he was here with me.  I dream about the day I get to see him again in Heaven. 

Anyway, I still am not in the place to write down any feelings, but I wanted to share some pictures from Adam's Birthday and from the anniversary of the day that he got to meet Jesus. 

Instead of making a Birthday cake, I made Adam yummy Birthday cupcakes. 

Adam's Birthday decorations and gifts. 

The "A" cupcake.  Allison insisted it was Adam's but didn't like that he wasn't here to eat it.  And his 3 sparklers; 2 stars and a 1.

The sparklers lighting up as we sang "Happy Birthday".

The balloon to Adam from Steve

Another balloon....

Allison drew a picture of Adam on her balloon.

And she wrote his name

My balloon to Adam.

Proud big sister with her balloon.

Steve waiting for the time to "send them to Adam".

Me, holding on to the balloons tight and not wanting to le them go because it felt like I was letting go of Adam again. 

The 1st one was off....

Steve's were not far behind.

There they go!

We stood there and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

Now I am preparing to spend another Christmas without Adam.  Last year, I bought him an ornament for our tree and said that it would just be a one time thing.  Ha!  I can't leave him out.  I bought him another ornament, picked out another picture of him to go in the frame and it is in the front of the tree right next to his big sister's!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Birthday, Adam!!!

One year ago today, at exactly 9:23am, a 4 lb 8.5 oz baby boy was born.  The most precious baby boy ever!  I wish I was celebrating Adam's birthday watching him smash a little cake, toddle all around the living room and try to open his presents.  But instead I celebrated it by baking cupcakes, bringing them to the cemetary and singing "Happy Birthday" while watching sparklers light up in the ground.  So, no, today isn't how I would like to have celebrated my son's first birthday, but overall it was a peaceful time thinking about Adam. 

     I love you more than words can even begin to express.  I wish I was able to hold you today, but if mommy can't be there for you, I'm happy that Jesus can.  Please keep watching over us and never forget me and the love I have for you.  I know I will see you again someday, but until then, I will keep celebrating every one of your birthdays because the day you were born was the day that changed my life forever.   Happy 1st Birthday, Adam!!! 

Here is something that my friend Rebecca wrote for Adam.  I think it is beautiful and wanted to share it with everyone. 

Psalm for Adam

Your shining eyes we never saw

Your sweet voice we never heard

Your soft breath we never smelled

Your little diapers we never changed

We missed out on so much when you were taken away

Yet God formed you in your mother’s womb (Ps 139:13)

God saw you before you were born (Ps 139:15)

How precious are God’s thoughts about you.

They cannot be numbered (Ps 139:17)

Even the hairs of your head were numbered, you are so precious (Matt 10:30)

Now you are with the alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end (Rev 1:8)

He holds the keys to death and the grave, so we know you are alive with Him (Rev 1:18).

Now you see the throne in heaven, as bright as gemstones, glowing emerald (Rev 4:3)

You sing to God with the angels “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty—the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come.” (Rev 4:8).

You sing to Christ “Worthy is the Lamb” (Rev 5:11)

You will be judged and found pure, little one. You will be a priest of God and Christ and will reign a thousand years (Rev 20:6).

Then every tear will be wiped from our eyes, the tears we cry for you (Rev 21:4)

Then we will be together again.

But until then, we will always remember you, beautiful boy.

Happy Birthday Adam

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What is normal

What is " Normal"?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

-author unknown


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Adam's Birthday

Adam's 1st birthday is coming up way too soon!  It is less than a month away.  Steve and I have decided that we just want to have a small celebration with just us and Allison.  We will probably make cupcakes, visit the cemetery, sing "Happy Birthday", and release balloons. 

 It is going to be a tough day and I know not everyone is going to understand why we are even celebrating.  Some people are even saying that it really isn't his Birthday.  If you are one of those who really don't understand, I want to give you a new outlook on the situation.  By definition of the word, a Birthday is the day that one was born.  Well, here on Earth or not, Adam was born on October 30th.  Thus, October 30th, will always be Adam's Birth Day.  And as for the celebrating, well, do you celebrate Jesus' birthday on Christmas?  Jesus is no longer alive on earth, in the physical form, but we still celebrate his Birthday every year.  And I am pretty sure that school's, government office's and banks close every year for Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday.  So, nobody is going to make me feel weird for celebrating my son's birthday.

With all that being said.  I know that I am going to be a complete mess for the next few weeks with Adam's upcoming Birthday and also the anniversary of his death.  One thing that would bring a smile to my face and a little joy to my heart would be to know that there are other's out there who are thinking of my baby boy.  If you have a few minutes and would like to add a name to Adam's name gallery, I would really appreciate it!  Here is the link to the names that I have so far.  It can be as simple as writing Adam's name on a piece of paper and taking a picture of it or going to the beach and writing it in the sand.  Also, if anyone releases balloons for Adam,  I would LOVE a picture of the release. 

If you are still taking the time to read my blogs, thank you so much for your support!  It really means a lot!

Friday, September 3, 2010

If only I could peak into Heaven...

If only I could take a little peak into Heaven, and see Adam,  my heart might not ache so much.  I wish I knew more about Heaven so that I would have an idea about what Adam looks like, what he's doing, and what knows about me.  Is he still a newborn?  A 10 month old baby boy?  Or is he an adult?  If I could just have an image of him, my mind would be more at ease.  What is he really doing in Heaven?  Is he playing with my other babies?  Is he praising God by singing a beautiful song to him?  Does he get to see what I'm doing and watch his big sister grow up?  I just have so many questions that I wish I had answers to.

Yesterday, before work, I looked up to the night sky and said to God, "Please, please let me see a shooting star!  It's been SO long!"  Before I finished the work "long", there it was!  A star shooting across the sky.  How can that not have been an answered prayer?  I am always looking at the stars and praying for a shooting star, but hadn't seen one since December on the cruise.  I actually had pretty much given up because I figured that God wanted me to have Faith in Him, and if he always showed me a star when I asked for one, then that wouldn't really be faith.  Today marks 10 months since Adam went to Heaven.  I think if I hadn't seen that star yesterday, I would be a complete mess today.  But I do have a little sense of peace knowing that he is ok. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Name Gallery

I have decided to start a new blog dedicated just to pictures of Adam's name.  Feel free to email me at with any pictures that you would like to add.  If you would like to view the gallery or read about why I have started it, please visit my new site at

Dad's Hurt Too

I found  a poem on FaceBook that I wanted to share.  It really is true and I think most of the time, people do forget that it is not just mother's that feel the pain from losing their child.

Dads Hurt Too
 People don't always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong, Even though his world's gone wrong.
He holds his wife as her tears fall, Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.
So when he's alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.
He feels he has to be strong for others, But Dads hurt too,
not just the Mothers, He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don't always show how they really feel.
So I'd like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting over the loss of her child,
please remember.....a Dad hurts too

Written by author unknown

I love you, Stephen and I know that you are hurting too!