It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gotta get this out....

This post is going to be a little different, because it's not completely going to be about Adam like all of my other posts have been. 

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, then you know how long I have been wanting a 2nd living child.  I say "living child" because I consider Adam to be my second child, but I have been wanting a living sibling for Allison for over 2 years now.  If you haven't been following me since the beginning, then I will give you a recap.  In September 2008 we tried to get pregnant after receiving the news that my rheumatoid arthritis was progressing and I would need to be on medication to stop any further joint damage and the medication couldn't be taken during pregnancy.  We conceived right away, but a few days after I got a positive test, I had a very early miscarriage.  The dr's call it a "chemical pregnancy".  Whatever you call it, it still hurt really bad.  We tried again right away and I got pregnant right away again.  This time it lasted until 7.5 weeks when I had an ultrasound that showed that the pregnancy had stopped growing a couple weeks before.  I had to have a procedure called a d&e since my body wasn't recognizing that the pregnancy had stopped progressing.  After the procedure, my Dr told me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  The 3 cycles went by and I got pregnant again.  This time, with twins.  Only at 8.5 weeks, twin A stopped growing.  The remaining twin was Adam and of course you know how that went.  After Adam we weren't sure if we were going to try again.  Then in July of this year we decided that we were ready.  I got pregnant right away again, but had another early loss shortly after getting a positive test.  I saw my Dr and he ran tests to see if there was a reason for all of these losses, but he couldn't find anything.  In September, we started trying again and this time it took 3 months to become pregnant.

And this is where the present story comes in.  I started out very optimistic  about this pregnancy and started telling family at about 5 weeks.  A few days later, I started cramping and spotting and was sure I was having a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing there to indicate a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy.  I was sent for more blood work and then would come back for another ultrasound.  At that one, there was growth.  There was actually a gestational sac and the start of something in it.  I left pretty confused because I had actually started bleeding and didn't understand how I wasn't miscarrying.  A few days later the dr brought me back in for another ultrasound and told me that there was more development and now there was also a yolk sac and the start of a fetal pole, BUT it appeared that the sac was implanted in my cervix instead of my uterus.  A pregnancy cannot continue in the cervix because there isn't enough room for the baby to grow and if it did continue, I would eventually bleed out and die.  I was referred to a specialist who confirmed this diagnosis when he did  his own ultrasound and then told me that I would need a shot to end the pregnancy.    During this last ultrasound, there was further development and a heartbeat...  My baby was alive and I had to kill it by ending the pregnancy or it would kill me!  I knew I had to get the shots or I would be leaving Allison without a mother. 

I cried and kept asking God "Why?"  After everything we had been through with Adam, why was this happening?  Haven't I been through enough already?  On the way home, I told my baby (who I believe was a girl) that I was so sorry that I had to do that and to please go to Heaven, that her big brother Adam was there to show her around.  I told her that mommy would see her again someday and that I loved her.  In my head I know I did what I had to do, but my heart hurts so bad.  Today has been a week since I got the shots and my head is still telling me that I killed my baby.  I just don't understand why I can't have a second living child.  It seems like everybody I know is announcing that they are pregnant these days.  I would love to give it one more shot, but Steve is totally against it and I don't know if I can take anymore heartache.  I am also upset for Allison.  I don't know what I would do without my brother and sisters and she is going to grow up without any.  I feel like she is being cheated.  It also doesn't help that she constantly prays to have a baby sister.  And I can't give her one. 

We weren't going to share this with anyone, and Steve doesn't even know I am writing this.  But keeping this inside has been eating me alive.  I want another baby!  I want to be pregnant!  I want to give Allison a sibling!  Every time I see a pregnancy announcement, an ultrasound picture, a pregnant woman complaining about being nauseous, a mother of a newborn complaining about not getting any sleep,  it makes me want to scream and cry.  I am becoming so bitter!  For the new year, I am going to have to guard my heart until it can heal some.  Until I come to terms with Allison being my only child that I get to see grow up.  I am going to try to stay away from Facebook, Babycenter and even the blogs.  I will be back and try to catch up with everybody when I feel like I am stronger, but right now, it is just too much...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The post I never wrote

I can't believe I haven't written a blog since Adam's birthday.  I have been wanting to, many times.  And it's not because I don't miss Adam or that I have forgotten about him.  I just haven't been in the place to share what I am feeling because it is the same feelings over and over again.  I miss Adam.  I wish he was here with me.  I dream about the day I get to see him again in Heaven. 

Anyway, I still am not in the place to write down any feelings, but I wanted to share some pictures from Adam's Birthday and from the anniversary of the day that he got to meet Jesus. 

Instead of making a Birthday cake, I made Adam yummy Birthday cupcakes. 

Adam's Birthday decorations and gifts. 

The "A" cupcake.  Allison insisted it was Adam's but didn't like that he wasn't here to eat it.  And his 3 sparklers; 2 stars and a 1.

The sparklers lighting up as we sang "Happy Birthday".

The balloon to Adam from Steve

Another balloon....

Allison drew a picture of Adam on her balloon.

And she wrote his name

My balloon to Adam.

Proud big sister with her balloon.

Steve waiting for the time to "send them to Adam".

Me, holding on to the balloons tight and not wanting to le them go because it felt like I was letting go of Adam again. 

The 1st one was off....

Steve's were not far behind.

There they go!

We stood there and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

Now I am preparing to spend another Christmas without Adam.  Last year, I bought him an ornament for our tree and said that it would just be a one time thing.  Ha!  I can't leave him out.  I bought him another ornament, picked out another picture of him to go in the frame and it is in the front of the tree right next to his big sister's!