I can't believe that it has already been 8 months!! It really feels like this all happened just last week. Some days I am ok. I know Adam is in a better place and it is selfish to wish he was here suffering. Other days I just don't understand. I feel like a brat, kicking and screaming inside because I did not get my way. I am starting to wonder if a week will ever go by that I don't cry. I am sick of crying! I try to hide it as best as I can, mostly from Allison. She is so smart, when she sees me crying, she asks if I am ok and hugs and kisses me and then asks if I miss Adam.
Whenever I hear that another baby has passed, it always brings back the same emotions and my heart literally aches for the family. Until this happened to me, I had no idea that there was a whole baby loss community out there. I have met so many wonderful women who have lost their babies. We understand eachother and they are such a good support system for me!
Adam,
No matter if it has been 8 months, 8 years or 80 years, as long as you are in Heaven and I am on Earth, I will miss you with all of my heart!! I will always have a place in my heart for you and not a day will go by that I don't think of you. I love you baby boy!
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Remembering Adam at Disney
Last year when I was pregnant with Adam, I won a vacation to Disney World for 2 adults and 2 children. Because I was having so many problems with the pregnancy, we booked the trip for June of this year. This way, we would be going for Allison's 3rd birthday and it would give Adam the best chance of going with us. June finally came and we got to go on our vacation, but we were missing one of our children...
I knew it was going to be hard to take this trip, but at the same time I was so excited to take Allison, and of course, I love Disney myself. But I was not prepared for how I was going to feel when I checked into the hotel and had to admit to the staff that my son was not there. They had room keys with each of our names printed on them. When I told them that Adam was not there, they kept his key. I hadn't told them why he wasn't there, just that he wasn't going to be joining us. When I got to the car and told Steve about what happened, I was crying and heart broken. He went back in and they gave him the key card. Now I have something else that says my son's beautiful name on it! Just more proof that he was really here.
Anyway, once I pulled myself together I was able to enjoy the trip with Allison and remember Adam while we were there. I bought him a Mickey hat with his name stitched on the back. He was supposed to be on this trip and I had to buy a souvenir for him! I took the hat and placed it on a sign outside of the store and got a great picture of his name in front of the Castle.
As much as I would have loved to have Adam experience Disney World with us, I just try to remember that being in Heaven has to be like being at Disney everyday, for all eternity. (actually, I'm sure it's better than Disney)
I knew it was going to be hard to take this trip, but at the same time I was so excited to take Allison, and of course, I love Disney myself. But I was not prepared for how I was going to feel when I checked into the hotel and had to admit to the staff that my son was not there. They had room keys with each of our names printed on them. When I told them that Adam was not there, they kept his key. I hadn't told them why he wasn't there, just that he wasn't going to be joining us. When I got to the car and told Steve about what happened, I was crying and heart broken. He went back in and they gave him the key card. Now I have something else that says my son's beautiful name on it! Just more proof that he was really here.
Anyway, once I pulled myself together I was able to enjoy the trip with Allison and remember Adam while we were there. I bought him a Mickey hat with his name stitched on the back. He was supposed to be on this trip and I had to buy a souvenir for him! I took the hat and placed it on a sign outside of the store and got a great picture of his name in front of the Castle.
As much as I would have loved to have Adam experience Disney World with us, I just try to remember that being in Heaven has to be like being at Disney everyday, for all eternity. (actually, I'm sure it's better than Disney)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The results are in...
We got Adam's autopsy results in the mail today, finally after 5 1/2 months. I have shared so much personal information on here, but I think I am going to keep most of the details limited to just family and close friends. I will say that Adam did have a Congenital Heart Defect, it just wasn't the defect that the dr's thought it was. He also did have mulitcystic kidneys due to a urinary outlet obstruction.
No matter how many birth "defects" Adam had, he is still perfect in every way in my eyes!! After seeing these results, I will admit that God spared my son from what could have been a very tough life and allowed him to enjoy peace and happiness in Heaven for all eternity and I will thank him for that every day for the rest of my life!!
No matter how many birth "defects" Adam had, he is still perfect in every way in my eyes!! After seeing these results, I will admit that God spared my son from what could have been a very tough life and allowed him to enjoy peace and happiness in Heaven for all eternity and I will thank him for that every day for the rest of my life!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A Letter to my Little Star....
Adam,
It has been more than 5 1/2 months since you went to Heaven and I don't think I will ever stop missing you. Sometimes, I just sit and think about you. I remember how you used to hiccup quite often and kick my left side with your little heels so hard that it would really hurt. I remember sitting in the shower rubbing my belly just sitting there waiting for even the slightest little nudge from you so that I knew you were ok. I remember how scared I was during your surgery when I was still pregnant and your heart rate started to drop and they had to quickly bring you back. I had just gotten used to the idea that you were a boy and I just wanted to start sobbing in the middle of the surgery because I thought I was losing my baby boy right then.
I feel like I was so scared about how your little life would turn out that I did not allow myself to enjoy you growing inside of me. I wish I would have talked to you more. I wish I would have had maternity pictures taken. Actually, I have a few thanks to your Aunt Jenn for making me take some while we were at the pumpkin patch about a week before you decided you were done being squished inside my belly and wanted out to stretch.
I think about how scared I was during your delivery when you came out without crying. Nobody was telling us if you were even alive. I was hoping so much that your lungs would have grown enough so that you would be able to breath by yourself and wouldn't need to have that awful tube down your throat. But they were so small and stiff, you couldn't even cry. How would I have liked to hear just a little cry or whimper from you, or see you move, even if it was just moving a little toe.
And many times, I think back to what really turns out to be the best day of your short life, the day Jesus brought you to Heaven. I don't know how I managed to run to you so fast after having surgery just 4 days before. I think God temporarily numbed the pain for me so I could get to you. But when me and daddy got there, it was too late. You were already gone. You looked so pale and exhausted. But God had taken you and relieved you from anymore suffering. How nice it was to feel you in my arms. I am also very lucky to have had professional pictures of you that are hung up all over the house. Nobody will ever be able to come over and not know who you are!
These past few months have been really hard. But I am starting to accept that you are gone and I am going to have to be patient to wait my turn to go to Heaven and get to know you. I constantly look up at the stars and think of you. I pray all the time for a shooting star, but haven't seen one since the cruise, maybe you could ask God to give me one more? I go often to "check on your things", as your big sister Allison calls it. She misses you so much too! Sometimes she pretends to carry you around and play with you. She says that she sees you sometimes too. It really makes me wonder if she really does. Baby, mommy would like to see you too! The other day, I couldn't get to sleep so I just closed my eyes and pretended that you were lying next to me sleeping like Allison used to do. I probably had the most peaceful sleep that I have had in a long time.
Most of all Adam, I just want you to know how much mommy loves and misses you. I wish I could see what you were doing. Lately I have just been feeling more at peace, I feel like you really are ok and happy, happier than I ever could have made you here.
There was a time not too long ago, that I just wanted to give up on life. Then I heard this wonderful song that has really inspired me to keep going and know that I can overcome anything with the help of God.
Britt Nicole- "Walk on Water"
I love you, Adam!! I will never forget you and you will always be my son and a part of this family!!!
It has been more than 5 1/2 months since you went to Heaven and I don't think I will ever stop missing you. Sometimes, I just sit and think about you. I remember how you used to hiccup quite often and kick my left side with your little heels so hard that it would really hurt. I remember sitting in the shower rubbing my belly just sitting there waiting for even the slightest little nudge from you so that I knew you were ok. I remember how scared I was during your surgery when I was still pregnant and your heart rate started to drop and they had to quickly bring you back. I had just gotten used to the idea that you were a boy and I just wanted to start sobbing in the middle of the surgery because I thought I was losing my baby boy right then.
I feel like I was so scared about how your little life would turn out that I did not allow myself to enjoy you growing inside of me. I wish I would have talked to you more. I wish I would have had maternity pictures taken. Actually, I have a few thanks to your Aunt Jenn for making me take some while we were at the pumpkin patch about a week before you decided you were done being squished inside my belly and wanted out to stretch.
I think about how scared I was during your delivery when you came out without crying. Nobody was telling us if you were even alive. I was hoping so much that your lungs would have grown enough so that you would be able to breath by yourself and wouldn't need to have that awful tube down your throat. But they were so small and stiff, you couldn't even cry. How would I have liked to hear just a little cry or whimper from you, or see you move, even if it was just moving a little toe.
And many times, I think back to what really turns out to be the best day of your short life, the day Jesus brought you to Heaven. I don't know how I managed to run to you so fast after having surgery just 4 days before. I think God temporarily numbed the pain for me so I could get to you. But when me and daddy got there, it was too late. You were already gone. You looked so pale and exhausted. But God had taken you and relieved you from anymore suffering. How nice it was to feel you in my arms. I am also very lucky to have had professional pictures of you that are hung up all over the house. Nobody will ever be able to come over and not know who you are!
These past few months have been really hard. But I am starting to accept that you are gone and I am going to have to be patient to wait my turn to go to Heaven and get to know you. I constantly look up at the stars and think of you. I pray all the time for a shooting star, but haven't seen one since the cruise, maybe you could ask God to give me one more? I go often to "check on your things", as your big sister Allison calls it. She misses you so much too! Sometimes she pretends to carry you around and play with you. She says that she sees you sometimes too. It really makes me wonder if she really does. Baby, mommy would like to see you too! The other day, I couldn't get to sleep so I just closed my eyes and pretended that you were lying next to me sleeping like Allison used to do. I probably had the most peaceful sleep that I have had in a long time.
Most of all Adam, I just want you to know how much mommy loves and misses you. I wish I could see what you were doing. Lately I have just been feeling more at peace, I feel like you really are ok and happy, happier than I ever could have made you here.
There was a time not too long ago, that I just wanted to give up on life. Then I heard this wonderful song that has really inspired me to keep going and know that I can overcome anything with the help of God.
Britt Nicole- "Walk on Water"
I love you, Adam!! I will never forget you and you will always be my son and a part of this family!!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Getting Impatient
It has been almost 5 months since Adam went to Heaven. On the day he left us, the neonatologist urged us to get an autopsy done so we could try to find out why Adam had all of his issues. My initial reaction was "No!". I did not want them cutting into my baby. Then he started explaining that it would help us know if there was a genetic problem and it would be helpful for Allison when she got older. So I went ahead and signed the consent. He said it would take 1-2 months to get results. We STILL don't have results. At first, Steve was calling weekly, then twice weekly. Now the girls that answer the phone know him and say that they are checking for him daily. Technically, they only had 90 days to get us the results. He did actually speak to the pathologist a few weeks ago and he said it would be a week and a half. That week and a half has come and gone...
I am getting so impatient! I need these results to get more closure. I feel like there is still something hanging over my head. I can't understand what could possibly be taking so long. I will say that if they lost any of the samples or results, they will not know what hit them because I will be driving up to St.Pete and taking all of my anger and frustration out on somebody!!!
I have now just passed the anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Adam. I know the coming months are going to be extra hard because I am going to be remembering that this time last year I was pregnant and playing back in my head all the milestones and heartaches...
I am getting so impatient! I need these results to get more closure. I feel like there is still something hanging over my head. I can't understand what could possibly be taking so long. I will say that if they lost any of the samples or results, they will not know what hit them because I will be driving up to St.Pete and taking all of my anger and frustration out on somebody!!!
I have now just passed the anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Adam. I know the coming months are going to be extra hard because I am going to be remembering that this time last year I was pregnant and playing back in my head all the milestones and heartaches...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"Just the Same"
My parents bought us a plaque that has a beautiful poem on it and I wanted to share it with everyone.
"Just the Same" by Anne Peterson
I never got to hold you and bounce you on my lap,
I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap.
You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to know I love you just the same.
"Just the Same" by Anne Peterson
I never got to hold you and bounce you on my lap,
I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap.
You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to know I love you just the same.
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's been awhile....
I didn't write a post at all last month, mainly because it was the worst month that I have had since losing Adam. It started out with a patient of mine dying on my second day off of orientation and ending with me quitting my job. I am feeling so lost and confused. I just don't know what direction I am supposed to be taking from here.
I honestly think in the last month, I could have written a separate blog everyday. And each one probably would have contradicted the one before. This roller coaster ride of grief has so many ups and downs, and I never know what way I am heading. I can be feeling a little down, and then I can either start to feel better or worse. I never know what's coming.
I feel like I have become "the one whose baby died", or the "one who has lost her mind and constantly grieves for her son". And these things are probably true. I need to try to get a handle on my life again and become the person I want to be. It is just SO hard. I just wish there was a new medical break-through that could heal a broken heart. I never knew that a broken heart could physically hurt so bad. It just aches as if it literally was broken. There is a continuous lump in the throat, you know the "lump" you feel before you break down and cry? It doesn't go away.
I had this wonderful idea that I wanted to arrange a 5K run to raise money for a Memorial Fund that I was going to set up in Adam's name to help pay for funeral costs for those who lose a baby or small child. I have this image of how wonderful it would be to help others and keep Adam's name alive. Then I kinda "lost it" again and realized that I have no idea how to start something like this and the stress would just be too much on me right now. I do hope to one day make this dream of mine come true, but I think my mental sanity is a little more important right now.
I got Adam's birth certificate today. I have been putting off going for awhile now. I wasn't real sure why until after I got it today. It is a beautiful certificate. It isn't plain like the one they gave us for Allison. Then, if you look in the right hand corner, you see the word, "deceased". Ouch. That hurts. Yes, I know my son is deceased. I have a death certificate that tells me that. Couldn't they have allowed me to have a birth certificate that tells me about his birth, his life and leave his death out of it? After I got it, I was kind of lost. I didn't have Allison with me, which almost never happens unless I am at a Dr's appt. I walked around Target, not real sure what to do with myself.
I know this post has kind of been all over the place. But so are my thoughts. I don't think I have asked for any prayer requests since Adam passed away. Part of me thought, "Well praying for Adam didn't work, so whats the point?" In reality, praying for Adam did work. God answered almost every prayer I asked him for Adam. I got to see him alive, got to hold him, and God took Adam to Heaven and healed him before I ever had to see him suffer and make the choice to end his life on my terms. Now I am asking for more prayers, this time for me and Steve. Please pray that we can come to peace with all of this and try to continue with our lives, so that we can give Allison the best life possible. Pray, that I get the job that God wants me to have, one that I can handle emotionally and physically. I feel so broken, please ask God to just get me through this tough time and become the person I am supposed to be...
I honestly think in the last month, I could have written a separate blog everyday. And each one probably would have contradicted the one before. This roller coaster ride of grief has so many ups and downs, and I never know what way I am heading. I can be feeling a little down, and then I can either start to feel better or worse. I never know what's coming.
I feel like I have become "the one whose baby died", or the "one who has lost her mind and constantly grieves for her son". And these things are probably true. I need to try to get a handle on my life again and become the person I want to be. It is just SO hard. I just wish there was a new medical break-through that could heal a broken heart. I never knew that a broken heart could physically hurt so bad. It just aches as if it literally was broken. There is a continuous lump in the throat, you know the "lump" you feel before you break down and cry? It doesn't go away.
I had this wonderful idea that I wanted to arrange a 5K run to raise money for a Memorial Fund that I was going to set up in Adam's name to help pay for funeral costs for those who lose a baby or small child. I have this image of how wonderful it would be to help others and keep Adam's name alive. Then I kinda "lost it" again and realized that I have no idea how to start something like this and the stress would just be too much on me right now. I do hope to one day make this dream of mine come true, but I think my mental sanity is a little more important right now.
I got Adam's birth certificate today. I have been putting off going for awhile now. I wasn't real sure why until after I got it today. It is a beautiful certificate. It isn't plain like the one they gave us for Allison. Then, if you look in the right hand corner, you see the word, "deceased". Ouch. That hurts. Yes, I know my son is deceased. I have a death certificate that tells me that. Couldn't they have allowed me to have a birth certificate that tells me about his birth, his life and leave his death out of it? After I got it, I was kind of lost. I didn't have Allison with me, which almost never happens unless I am at a Dr's appt. I walked around Target, not real sure what to do with myself.
I know this post has kind of been all over the place. But so are my thoughts. I don't think I have asked for any prayer requests since Adam passed away. Part of me thought, "Well praying for Adam didn't work, so whats the point?" In reality, praying for Adam did work. God answered almost every prayer I asked him for Adam. I got to see him alive, got to hold him, and God took Adam to Heaven and healed him before I ever had to see him suffer and make the choice to end his life on my terms. Now I am asking for more prayers, this time for me and Steve. Please pray that we can come to peace with all of this and try to continue with our lives, so that we can give Allison the best life possible. Pray, that I get the job that God wants me to have, one that I can handle emotionally and physically. I feel so broken, please ask God to just get me through this tough time and become the person I am supposed to be...
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Faith Like a Child
Allison was playing with her stuffed bunny today that plays, "Jesus Loves Me". She was singing and dancing and just overall very happy. And it really got me to thinking. Here is a 2 year old who is still trying to figure out the world. For months she was told that she was going to have a little brother. He was going to come out of mommy's belly and play with her. She used to talk to him and whisper to my belly. And I know he heard her because everytime she would talk to him, he would kick. Adam loved to hear his big sister.
She was then told that Adam was born but was very sick and she couldn't see him yet. 4 days later I had to explain to her that Adam went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Honestly, other than singing, "Jesus Loves Me", I never really talked to her about Jesus or God. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to explain to her about someone that she couldn't see. I just didn't think she would understand.
After we talked, she did seem to understand, in her own way. She always tells me that Adam is in Heaven with Jesus and one day Jesus will take her to Heaven too. She loves any song that talks about Jesus and asks quite often to hear a select few.
I wish I had faith like her. If I really didn't understand the concept of God and Jesus and one day I was told that this "Jesus" man took my brother to Heaven and I couldn't go see him, I think I would come to hate this person they call "Jesus". I would be downright angry! Luckily, I do understand. And luckily Allison has fallen in love with Jesus. She isn't made at him at all for taking Adam. She understands that He was the only one able to fix her brother and make him better. She knows that one day she will be able to go to Heaven with Adam and Jesus.
Even with my understanding and relationship with God, I will admit that many times I am mad. I am frustrated. I don't understand why this had to happen to Adam. Why this had to happen to me and my family. There are so many women getting pregnant everyday with healthy babies that they don't want and they abort them, put them up for adoption or just neglect them so that these children don't know what love is. There are women who are terminating their babies because they aren't perfect, because they have down syndrome or another birth defect that is not fatal. What I would give to have Adam here with down syndrome or another problem that could be medically treated. I just don't get it.
I think I need to learn a lesson from Allison and just trust in God, believe that he knows what is best for Adam and my family and stop questioning why. One day, when it is my turn to go to Heaven, I will have all my questions answered and will surely thank God for giving me Adam and for taking him away. Until then, I just need to have faith like a child....
She was then told that Adam was born but was very sick and she couldn't see him yet. 4 days later I had to explain to her that Adam went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Honestly, other than singing, "Jesus Loves Me", I never really talked to her about Jesus or God. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to explain to her about someone that she couldn't see. I just didn't think she would understand.
After we talked, she did seem to understand, in her own way. She always tells me that Adam is in Heaven with Jesus and one day Jesus will take her to Heaven too. She loves any song that talks about Jesus and asks quite often to hear a select few.
I wish I had faith like her. If I really didn't understand the concept of God and Jesus and one day I was told that this "Jesus" man took my brother to Heaven and I couldn't go see him, I think I would come to hate this person they call "Jesus". I would be downright angry! Luckily, I do understand. And luckily Allison has fallen in love with Jesus. She isn't made at him at all for taking Adam. She understands that He was the only one able to fix her brother and make him better. She knows that one day she will be able to go to Heaven with Adam and Jesus.
Even with my understanding and relationship with God, I will admit that many times I am mad. I am frustrated. I don't understand why this had to happen to Adam. Why this had to happen to me and my family. There are so many women getting pregnant everyday with healthy babies that they don't want and they abort them, put them up for adoption or just neglect them so that these children don't know what love is. There are women who are terminating their babies because they aren't perfect, because they have down syndrome or another birth defect that is not fatal. What I would give to have Adam here with down syndrome or another problem that could be medically treated. I just don't get it.
I think I need to learn a lesson from Allison and just trust in God, believe that he knows what is best for Adam and my family and stop questioning why. One day, when it is my turn to go to Heaven, I will have all my questions answered and will surely thank God for giving me Adam and for taking him away. Until then, I just need to have faith like a child....
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Need to clarify...
I guess I wasn't very clear in my blog last night when I said that I didn't see the point of living on this earth anymore. The truth is, I don't. But I also don't have a choice in the matter. I am here until God is ready to take me Home. I am frustrated with how the world is, but I am also making the best of it. I don't have dreams for myself of buying a lot of possessions, they're just "things". I don't exactly like being a nurse, but I know in the big scheme of things, it's only temporary. I think when you really get to know grief and feel real pain, the smaller things in life just seem so insignificant. I don't care what other people think anymore. Sometimes when people get upset over little things, I just want to roll my eyes because it's just so unimportant when you really think about it.
I think losing Adam has actually made me a better mother and wife. I have gotten much closer to Steve, our relationship has definetly has really grown. And I really do think I am a better mother to Allison. I get much more joy out of watching her grow up then I have in a long time. Right now, the only thing I am excited about is taking Allison to Disney World for her 3rd birthday. We even have a calendar that we have been counting down the days for it. I really don't know who's more excited, me or her.
Sorry if I made it seem like I had given up on life because that's not the case. This world just sucks and I am over it. While I may not be "living MY life to the fullest", I am trying to allow Allison to experience as much of the world as she can and am enjoying watching her do it. Maybe someday I will begin to love living again but right now this is the new me and I am doing the best I can...
I think losing Adam has actually made me a better mother and wife. I have gotten much closer to Steve, our relationship has definetly has really grown. And I really do think I am a better mother to Allison. I get much more joy out of watching her grow up then I have in a long time. Right now, the only thing I am excited about is taking Allison to Disney World for her 3rd birthday. We even have a calendar that we have been counting down the days for it. I really don't know who's more excited, me or her.
Sorry if I made it seem like I had given up on life because that's not the case. This world just sucks and I am over it. While I may not be "living MY life to the fullest", I am trying to allow Allison to experience as much of the world as she can and am enjoying watching her do it. Maybe someday I will begin to love living again but right now this is the new me and I am doing the best I can...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Guilt
Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt over things that I regret. I feel so guilty for not enjoying my pregnancy with Adam more. I did not talk to him like I did Allison. I did not tell him enough that I loved him. He couldn't kick a lot because he didn't have much fluid but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel it when I rubbed my belly. Why didn't I do it more? I was so sad most of my pregnancy that I just didn't take the time out to enjoy the life growing inside me. I never wanted a picture of my belly. I hate how I look pregnant, but I really wish I would have taken more. And now that I think back, Adam heard all of the things that I was saying when I was upset. He heard me crying. He could hear it when the doctors kept telling me how "grim" of a situation this was. Did he feel my anxiety and fear? I love him so much and I hope through everything, he was able to sense that.
Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.
I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.
I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!
Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.
I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.
I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Back to Work
I went back to work last week. I am working in the same hospital but on a different unit with patients that are a little different than what I am used to. I have a lot to learn. The first couple days were pretty rough. I cried the whole way to work and the whole way home. I even had to hide in the bathroom a couple times to wipe my tears. The first day it was very surreal. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I was back to work. It was another step in moving on. A hard step. I saw some people who knew about Adam and would ask how I was. I saw people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know the outcome and I would have to tell them what happened. And I saw people that didn't even remember I was pregnant and had no idea how much I was hurting. No matter how much knowledge anybody had about me and Adam it hurt to talk about it. But it also felt nice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess it just brought back lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with while I was working. But it felt nice to hear my sons name and think about him.
I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.
This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.
I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.
This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Goodbye 2009
Goodbye 2009. What an awful year it was and it is a year I will never forget! I said in my last post that I really was having trouble leaving 2009. It was the year I got pregnant with Adam, the year I lost his twin, the year God gave me 4 days to spend with Adam on earth and the year God took Adam to Heaven. As horrible as it was, I would go through it all again, just to have that chance to see my baby boy. I would go through the amnio, the two bladder taps where the doctor inserted a needle through me to get to Adam's urine, the awful surgery to place a shunt into his bladder, the 5x /week dr appts, the numerous trips to Miami and St.Pete, the helicopter ride to St.Pete, the 24 hours of labor before the csection, the csection where my blood pressure kept dropping and I kept almost passing out, the csection scar that I will always have with me, the running from the Ronald McDonald House 4 days after my surgery to get to Adam after we received the dreaded call, walking in to see my lifeless boy lying there with so many people standing around him, the planning of the funeral.... I would go through it all again if given the choice just to have those 4 days and the forever memories with my son.
Despite all of this, I think I had the best New Years Eve I have had in a long time. Steve, Allison and I went to Chili's for dinner. I think I am becoming addicted to that place thanks to a couple gift cards. When we came home, me and Allison stood outside and watched fireworks that people in the area were putting off. They were nothing compared to the professional ones, but Allison didn't know the difference and it was just wonderful to see her face light up as she watched them in the sky. After Allison went to bed, me and Steve stayed up and watched New Year's Rockin Eve. The closer it got to midnight, the harder it was to hold back the tears. I hated 2009, but I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to leave Adam in 2009 while I moved on with my life in 2010. We sat and watched the clock count down. Tears began to flow. I couldn't stop it. Then we watched the ball drop and with salty tears running down my face, I received a midnight kiss from the best husband in the world. Then he held me and just let me cry. I don't think he really understood why I was so upset, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but he just let me cry and listened to me talk and we both just thought about our precious son. It was a sad New Year's Eve, but I really enjoyed spending it with Steve and Allison.
Now we are moving on into 2010. I really hope this is a much better year. I want to try to be a better mother to Allison and a better wife to Steve. I want to try to get my act together and become the person that I want to be. I want to do something meaningful in Adam's name. When I come up with the perfect idea of what that is, I will let you know.
Goodbye 2009, you will never be forgotten...
Despite all of this, I think I had the best New Years Eve I have had in a long time. Steve, Allison and I went to Chili's for dinner. I think I am becoming addicted to that place thanks to a couple gift cards. When we came home, me and Allison stood outside and watched fireworks that people in the area were putting off. They were nothing compared to the professional ones, but Allison didn't know the difference and it was just wonderful to see her face light up as she watched them in the sky. After Allison went to bed, me and Steve stayed up and watched New Year's Rockin Eve. The closer it got to midnight, the harder it was to hold back the tears. I hated 2009, but I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to leave Adam in 2009 while I moved on with my life in 2010. We sat and watched the clock count down. Tears began to flow. I couldn't stop it. Then we watched the ball drop and with salty tears running down my face, I received a midnight kiss from the best husband in the world. Then he held me and just let me cry. I don't think he really understood why I was so upset, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but he just let me cry and listened to me talk and we both just thought about our precious son. It was a sad New Year's Eve, but I really enjoyed spending it with Steve and Allison.
Now we are moving on into 2010. I really hope this is a much better year. I want to try to be a better mother to Allison and a better wife to Steve. I want to try to get my act together and become the person that I want to be. I want to do something meaningful in Adam's name. When I come up with the perfect idea of what that is, I will let you know.
Goodbye 2009, you will never be forgotten...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Pictures
And here is Adam's stocking and pin wheel.
Here is all of Adam's Christmas decorations. It's nice to go there and find "surprise" decorations that I don't know where they came from. Just shows that he has lots of people that care about him.
This is the ornament we hung on the Funeral Home's memory tree. Every year they have a candle lighting ceremony and families come and hang ornaments on one of their Christmas Trees. I love this pic of Adam.
Here is Adam's permanent headstone. Not sure how big it's going to post, so on the left it shows hands and says, "In God's care" and on the right is a teddy bear.Made it through Christmas...next, the New Year
So I made it through my first Christmas without Adam. Christmas morning was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I was so excited to see Allison open all her presents and "read" the note Santa left for her. But when it was all done, I still felt like something was missing. And there was. Adam. I know 2 mth olds aren't too exciting during Christmas, but I would have loved to have him sitting in his bouncer by the tree watching his big sister open her presents, learning how to do it next year. Instead, I guess he was watching from Heaven.
I decided to make Adam his own stocking, with his name written on it in blue. Allison had one of her own, with her name in her favorite color, purple. I explained to Allison that Santa was going to put presents in her stocking for her and she was upset when I told her that Santa wasn't going to be bringing Adam anything. We had been wanting to find a pin wheel to put at the cemetery for Adam. The little boy next to him has one and it just brings a little life to the area. So I decided that Santa would bring one for Adam, I went to the store and couldn't find any at first, then there was one lonely pin wheel waiting for me a the end of the aisle. I got it and put it in Adam's stocking and let Allison find it for him on Christmas morning.
Before we went to eat dinner with Steve's family, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Adam and put the pin wheel there. My heart was aching to hold him so much that day and then what Allison did made it much worse. While we were there, she kept looking at the ornament on Adam's tree that had his picture on it. I thought that was cute. Then she said she was ready to go and went over to the tree and hugged it, walked away and started waving "goodbye". I had tried really hard not to cry that day because I didn't want to ruin her Christmas, but after she did that I really couldn't hold it in any longer. She would have been such a good big sister to him. I really wish she had that opportunity.
When we were at dinner with Steve's family, my niece was there. She was born one week before Adam. The last time I saw her I fell apart and really was worried that it was going to happen again. But it didn't. I was actually ok seeing her. It did hurt a little, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I don't think I am up to spending lots of time around her yet, but someday I will. I am just happy that she is so young because I would hate for her to think her aunt hates her. When she gets older to actually "know" me, I should be better to actually interact with her and maybe even hold her.
Now I have to try to get through the New Year. I think this might be difficult for me. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like by moving into 2010, I am leaving Adam behind. I don't want to move on without him. I am sure that after a few weeks into the New Year, I will get over it and just realize that nothing is really different except the date, but for now its just something else for me to deal with.
Since Christmas is over, this coming weekend, we will go to the cemetery and take all of the Christmas stuff down. I don't like to think that Adam won't have decorations there for him. I have decided to change out his decorations each month, to keep everything fresh and new. For January, I am just going with a winter theme. I bought a little snow man and snow flakes. I often feel the need just to go there and visit him, although I don't get to go as much as I would like. I know he's not really there. But by decorating for him and going there and making sure things are kept nice, it's my way of taking care of him. Its the only way I can "take care of him". It may seem silly to some but to me it's a way to still feel like I am Adam's mommy.
And a couple weeks ago, Adam's permanent marker came in. I will post pictures of that and a few Christmas pictures in another post. I am so bad at adding pictures and text in the same post...
I decided to make Adam his own stocking, with his name written on it in blue. Allison had one of her own, with her name in her favorite color, purple. I explained to Allison that Santa was going to put presents in her stocking for her and she was upset when I told her that Santa wasn't going to be bringing Adam anything. We had been wanting to find a pin wheel to put at the cemetery for Adam. The little boy next to him has one and it just brings a little life to the area. So I decided that Santa would bring one for Adam, I went to the store and couldn't find any at first, then there was one lonely pin wheel waiting for me a the end of the aisle. I got it and put it in Adam's stocking and let Allison find it for him on Christmas morning.
Before we went to eat dinner with Steve's family, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Adam and put the pin wheel there. My heart was aching to hold him so much that day and then what Allison did made it much worse. While we were there, she kept looking at the ornament on Adam's tree that had his picture on it. I thought that was cute. Then she said she was ready to go and went over to the tree and hugged it, walked away and started waving "goodbye". I had tried really hard not to cry that day because I didn't want to ruin her Christmas, but after she did that I really couldn't hold it in any longer. She would have been such a good big sister to him. I really wish she had that opportunity.
When we were at dinner with Steve's family, my niece was there. She was born one week before Adam. The last time I saw her I fell apart and really was worried that it was going to happen again. But it didn't. I was actually ok seeing her. It did hurt a little, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I don't think I am up to spending lots of time around her yet, but someday I will. I am just happy that she is so young because I would hate for her to think her aunt hates her. When she gets older to actually "know" me, I should be better to actually interact with her and maybe even hold her.
Now I have to try to get through the New Year. I think this might be difficult for me. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like by moving into 2010, I am leaving Adam behind. I don't want to move on without him. I am sure that after a few weeks into the New Year, I will get over it and just realize that nothing is really different except the date, but for now its just something else for me to deal with.
Since Christmas is over, this coming weekend, we will go to the cemetery and take all of the Christmas stuff down. I don't like to think that Adam won't have decorations there for him. I have decided to change out his decorations each month, to keep everything fresh and new. For January, I am just going with a winter theme. I bought a little snow man and snow flakes. I often feel the need just to go there and visit him, although I don't get to go as much as I would like. I know he's not really there. But by decorating for him and going there and making sure things are kept nice, it's my way of taking care of him. Its the only way I can "take care of him". It may seem silly to some but to me it's a way to still feel like I am Adam's mommy.
And a couple weeks ago, Adam's permanent marker came in. I will post pictures of that and a few Christmas pictures in another post. I am so bad at adding pictures and text in the same post...
Saturday, December 19, 2009
My First Christmas with Jesus
I see the countless Christmas tree around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow ,
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare with the Heaven's choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it's far beyond description just to hear the Angels sing!
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I'm not so very far away; we're really not apart
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!
I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love!
After all, more precious than pure gold,
Love was always more important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep eachother as my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or the love He has for you!
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Chistmas
.....with Jesus Christ this year!
Author Unknown
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow ,
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare with the Heaven's choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it's far beyond description just to hear the Angels sing!
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I'm not so very far away; we're really not apart
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!
I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love!
After all, more precious than pure gold,
Love was always more important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep eachother as my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or the love He has for you!
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Chistmas
.....with Jesus Christ this year!
Author Unknown
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Peace and Shooting Stars
Steve and I went on a cruise last week. It happened to fall on our anniversary, but we took it just to try to get away for awhile. I think it really did me some good because I am starting to feel like a new person. I still miss Adam so much and the pain is still there. I can actually feel the ache in my heart and the knot in my throat doesn't seem to go away. But I have found some sort of peace. Maybe I am starting to reach the grieving stage of acceptance. Maybe I am numb to my sadness, I really don't know. I am not as angry as I was. I have much more patience with Allison. Missing her made me realize how much of a miracle she really is. Maybe Steve and I aren't genetically compatible to have healthy children. Maybe she is our miracle child. It has been so hard losing Adam but it would be 1000 times harder if I didn't have Allison. I really thank God for giving me her before any of the miscarriages and before having Adam. She makes my life worthwhile and gives me a reason to keep going.
I had to buy Allison souvenirs from each of the ports we went to, just something small. It was really hard for me not to want to buy something for Adam too. It seems silly because he can't have anything I buy him, I would just keep it at home or bring it to the cemetery, but I feel like I want to, not have to, but want to buy stuff for him. Maybe I will get over this eventually, and maybe not. It just feels weird not to include one of my children in all aspects of my life.
On the cruise, we had a balcony cabin. We spent the last night of the cruise relaxing out there and enjoying the night breeze. As I was looking up to the stars, I asked God to just show me a shooting star to let me know that Adam was ok. I waited a few minutes and nothing. I figured God wasn't going to give me any kind of sign that Adam was alright because I should just have faith that he was. Then suddenly, I saw it. A shooting star! Steve didn't see it, but I told him that I saw a shooting star and that I had asked God to show it to me. I could tell that he was upset because he had missed it so I asked God to show him one too. Almost as soon as I finished that prayer, Steve said that he just saw one too. Then we just sat there staring at the stars thinking of our little boy. I know Adam was looking down on us from Heaven smiling and knowing how much his parents love him. I know there will be some critics saying that the shooting stars were just a coincidence. And maybe they were. But it gives me peace to think that they were God and Adam's way of telling me to go on with my life that Adam is happier in Heaven than he would be on Earth. Now I think of Adam as my "Little Star"...
I had to buy Allison souvenirs from each of the ports we went to, just something small. It was really hard for me not to want to buy something for Adam too. It seems silly because he can't have anything I buy him, I would just keep it at home or bring it to the cemetery, but I feel like I want to, not have to, but want to buy stuff for him. Maybe I will get over this eventually, and maybe not. It just feels weird not to include one of my children in all aspects of my life.
On the cruise, we had a balcony cabin. We spent the last night of the cruise relaxing out there and enjoying the night breeze. As I was looking up to the stars, I asked God to just show me a shooting star to let me know that Adam was ok. I waited a few minutes and nothing. I figured God wasn't going to give me any kind of sign that Adam was alright because I should just have faith that he was. Then suddenly, I saw it. A shooting star! Steve didn't see it, but I told him that I saw a shooting star and that I had asked God to show it to me. I could tell that he was upset because he had missed it so I asked God to show him one too. Almost as soon as I finished that prayer, Steve said that he just saw one too. Then we just sat there staring at the stars thinking of our little boy. I know Adam was looking down on us from Heaven smiling and knowing how much his parents love him. I know there will be some critics saying that the shooting stars were just a coincidence. And maybe they were. But it gives me peace to think that they were God and Adam's way of telling me to go on with my life that Adam is happier in Heaven than he would be on Earth. Now I think of Adam as my "Little Star"...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Adam is certainly a part of our Christmas!
Adam may be celebrating Jesus' birthday in Heaven, but we are making him a big part of our Christmas celebration here on Earth. I wanted to post a few things that we are doing to make sure Adam is remembered Christmas this year, as well as many years to come. I haven't posted pictures on here during a post before and am getting pretty frustrated, so they are in a little different order than I wanted them to be, but after 4 tries, I give up.
The first picture is of a Santa ornament that lights up and says Adam at the bottom. It is a little blurry, I think maybe because of the tree lights, but its the best one I got.
The first picture is of a Santa ornament that lights up and says Adam at the bottom. It is a little blurry, I think maybe because of the tree lights, but its the best one I got.
Every year we get Allison an ornament that has a current picture of her in it and I couldn't leave Adam out this year! Here is his picture ornament. It was hard finding an ornament that didn't say "Baby's First Christmas" on it. I just didn't feel like it was appropriate since he's not here for Christmas. I think I went to every store in town looking for the perfect ornament for him, and loved this one as soon as I found it at the Shell Factory.
Just a glimpse at his grave site with his Christmas trees, temporary name marker, flowers and cookie monster. His permanent gravestone should be in anytime and as soon as it gets in, I want to laminate a picture of him and tape/glue/somehow stick it there so everyone can see how beautiful my little boy was!
Here is a picture of the little Christmas tree my parents got for him. We bought little ornaments and Allison helped us decorate it. When I went back yesterday to take pictures, Allison was so cute and excited to go, she even waved and said goodbye to the tree when we left. She is so relaxed at the cemetery. She was trying to fix all the broken things that people put there for their babies and put back any flowers that had blown out of the vases. I hope she always feels comfortable to come visit her brother. Oh, and putting beaded garland on a tiny tree is next to impossible, but I did my best.
Here is something that Adam's Grandpa Charlie made for him and placed it on the gravesite. I am not sure what it is called, but it is made out of the extra leaves/branches from Christmas trees. It is really cute! I think Allison wanted to steal the Mickey Mouse ornament that was on it.
I also got a little ornament for Adam's twin to put on the tree, but since I am having trouble getting the pictures on here, I will have to post it when I figure it out. Lately I have been thinking a lot about that baby. Was it a boy or a girl? I think girl. And so far I am 2/2 on guessing the sexes of my babies. And what would he/she have looked like? Probably a lot like Adam. They were fraternal so I am sure they wouldn't look exactly alike. I remember when I lost that baby, a part of me didn't think I would ever be able to look at Adam without hurting because I would always know he was supposed to be a twin. Now, 9 mths later, I sit here with no babies. But they are together in Heaven with the other 2 babies that I miscarried and will one day get to play with their big sister Allison.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
One month
Today is one month since Adam left us. One month since my life changed forever. I am not the same person as I was before we got that phone call the morning of Nov. 3rd. I am not the person I want to be. I am unhappy, sad, angry, impatient, irritable. I hate being in crowds. I don't like talking to people. When I go out in public, it just reminds me that the world is continuing and I want it to stop. I just want it all to stop until I am able to continue with my life. But I don't know if I am ever going to feel ready to continue with my life. I really can't go anywhere or do anything without crying. I cry in Wal-Mart when I see the baby section, I cried at my niece's Thanksgiving performance just because there were so many happy people there and I wanted to be happy but couldn't, I cried the other night before dinner because the meal we were having was high carb and for a sec I thought I should be checking my blood sugar like I did when I was pregnant, I cry all the time in the car because Allison constantly wants to listen to the "Jesus song"- the song we played at Adam's funeral, I cry at the thought of going back to work and being among people again. How am I ever going to hold it together for a whole work day. I have several job interviews next week. How am I going to get through a whole interview without crying and telling them not to hire me because I don't think I can actually go through with it.
I have to try to go on and stop crying for Allison. She sees me cry and asks me why I am crying while grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears. I know she feels my sadness too, whenever I start to get upset, even if she can't see me or I try my best to hide it, her mood changes too. She has been very clingy lately. I can't leave her sight without her looking or crying for me. She won't eat very often unless I feed her. Its like she's reverting back to being a baby. She always "carries" around Adam and talks about him often. I just wish I knew what was going through her head. I have to try to pull myself together for her.
I have read quite a few blogs of other woman who have gone through losing a child and I really am not hopeful that I am going to be feeling better any time soon. From what I have read, the pain will stay the same, but I will one day learn to go on and be able to live my life with this pain. I know Adam wouldn't want me to stop living because he is not here. I have to keep going, find someway to make his life meaningful, not just to me, but to others who go through the same thing. I wish I could help other families who will face this situation. Maybe a book (good idea, Hollie). But in order to do anything like this, I need to get me better. I have decided, or more it was decided for me by Steve, that I need to talk to someone to help me sort out these feelings and make sense of what has happened.
Another thing I have read in others blogs, is how to deal with the question, "How many children do you have?". Some have said that they will go with the simple answer and just admit to the living children they have to avoid the complicated answer of what happened to their baby or to avoid making the person asking the question feel uncomfortable. I have decided, that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, I cannot deny that Adam is my son! It may make the other person feel bad for a short time, but it would make me feel bad for a lot longer if I said that I only have 1 child and not acknowledge Adam's life.
Here is a poem I found another a blogger friend, Lisette's, website. Lisette lost her daughter, Sami, about a week before Adam. I'm sure these 2 babies are playing together in Heaven!
A pair of shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.
I have to try to go on and stop crying for Allison. She sees me cry and asks me why I am crying while grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears. I know she feels my sadness too, whenever I start to get upset, even if she can't see me or I try my best to hide it, her mood changes too. She has been very clingy lately. I can't leave her sight without her looking or crying for me. She won't eat very often unless I feed her. Its like she's reverting back to being a baby. She always "carries" around Adam and talks about him often. I just wish I knew what was going through her head. I have to try to pull myself together for her.
I have read quite a few blogs of other woman who have gone through losing a child and I really am not hopeful that I am going to be feeling better any time soon. From what I have read, the pain will stay the same, but I will one day learn to go on and be able to live my life with this pain. I know Adam wouldn't want me to stop living because he is not here. I have to keep going, find someway to make his life meaningful, not just to me, but to others who go through the same thing. I wish I could help other families who will face this situation. Maybe a book (good idea, Hollie). But in order to do anything like this, I need to get me better. I have decided, or more it was decided for me by Steve, that I need to talk to someone to help me sort out these feelings and make sense of what has happened.
Another thing I have read in others blogs, is how to deal with the question, "How many children do you have?". Some have said that they will go with the simple answer and just admit to the living children they have to avoid the complicated answer of what happened to their baby or to avoid making the person asking the question feel uncomfortable. I have decided, that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, I cannot deny that Adam is my son! It may make the other person feel bad for a short time, but it would make me feel bad for a lot longer if I said that I only have 1 child and not acknowledge Adam's life.
Here is a poem I found another a blogger friend, Lisette's, website. Lisette lost her daughter, Sami, about a week before Adam. I'm sure these 2 babies are playing together in Heaven!
A pair of shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I wish....I'm happy that...
I wish... in no particular order, just random thoughts...
I wish that Adam was alive and healthy.
I wish Allison got to be a big sister.
I wish I could have 2 children ( seriously, some people get 19 and I can't have 2?)
I wish I was as strong as people said I was.
I wish a piece of my heart wasn't missing.
I wish I had more patience with Allison lately.
I wish Allison's hugs made me feel better like they used to.
I wish I didn't feel so disconnected from my daughter.
I wish Allison didn't have to pretend to play with her brother.
I wish it didn't break my heart every time she pretended she was holding him.
I wish a part of me didn't want to pretend right along with her.
I wish I could fast forward past Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's this year.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work, EVER!
I wish I could just win the lottery and stay home try to be the best mommy ever to Allison!
I wish the CDU was still the CDU so I could go "home" and work where I was comfortable with people that really care about me instead of finding a new job with strangers who know nothing about me.
I wish I had it in me to be an ER nurse so I could still work with those people.
I wish there was something that could take my pain away.
I wish I could stay in a drunk oblivious state all the time. ( But I am NEVER in this state)
I wish I would have smiled for just one picture of me and Adam.
I wish I could have just one picture of Allison holding Adam.
I wish I could have at least one picture of me, Allison and Adam.
I wish I could go get a new "Family Picture" without feeling like it was wrong because Adam wasn't there.
I wish I didn't get insanely jealous/ upset/ angry when I see a pregnant woman or someone with a very young baby.
I wish I knew why we prayed if God is going to do what he wants to do anyway....
I wish my cruise left sooner...I needed to get away, like, yesterday.
I wish Steve would put the toilet paper on the roller, the "right way", AKA "MY WAY".
I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.
I wish I could be happy, really truly happy again.
I wish I could eat the foods that I ate a lot while I was pregnant without crying.
I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with Adam.
I wish God would've just given me a miracle!
I wish my c-section incision would stop hurting already.
I wish I wasn't such a mess that I could be a better wife to Steve.
I wish my sister, Heather, lived closer.
I wish I was more motivated to care about cleaning, cooking and taking care of my family.
I wish I could figure out where to find graphics to put on the blog...saw some on another blog that I really like, but can't find the link for them anywhere!
I wish I didn't feel like a pregnancy failure...how many times have I been pregnant, how many kids do I have?? ( I have more babies in Heaven than I do on Earth)
I wish I wasn't so selfish that I would rather have Adam here with me than healed in Heaven.
I wish I could just hold Adam one more time.
I wish I could say that it didn't cross my mind, for a very brief second, while visiting his grave to dig him up just to hold him again (yeah, I know, very very bad idea, but a grieving mother doesn't have too many good ideas)
I wish I knew how to deal with all of this...
I wish that Adam was alive and healthy.
I wish Allison got to be a big sister.
I wish I could have 2 children ( seriously, some people get 19 and I can't have 2?)
I wish I was as strong as people said I was.
I wish a piece of my heart wasn't missing.
I wish I had more patience with Allison lately.
I wish Allison's hugs made me feel better like they used to.
I wish I didn't feel so disconnected from my daughter.
I wish Allison didn't have to pretend to play with her brother.
I wish it didn't break my heart every time she pretended she was holding him.
I wish a part of me didn't want to pretend right along with her.
I wish I could fast forward past Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's this year.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work, EVER!
I wish I could just win the lottery and stay home try to be the best mommy ever to Allison!
I wish the CDU was still the CDU so I could go "home" and work where I was comfortable with people that really care about me instead of finding a new job with strangers who know nothing about me.
I wish I had it in me to be an ER nurse so I could still work with those people.
I wish there was something that could take my pain away.
I wish I could stay in a drunk oblivious state all the time. ( But I am NEVER in this state)
I wish I would have smiled for just one picture of me and Adam.
I wish I could have just one picture of Allison holding Adam.
I wish I could have at least one picture of me, Allison and Adam.
I wish I could go get a new "Family Picture" without feeling like it was wrong because Adam wasn't there.
I wish I didn't get insanely jealous/ upset/ angry when I see a pregnant woman or someone with a very young baby.
I wish I knew why we prayed if God is going to do what he wants to do anyway....
I wish my cruise left sooner...I needed to get away, like, yesterday.
I wish Steve would put the toilet paper on the roller, the "right way", AKA "MY WAY".
I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.
I wish I could be happy, really truly happy again.
I wish I could eat the foods that I ate a lot while I was pregnant without crying.
I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with Adam.
I wish God would've just given me a miracle!
I wish my c-section incision would stop hurting already.
I wish I wasn't such a mess that I could be a better wife to Steve.
I wish my sister, Heather, lived closer.
I wish I was more motivated to care about cleaning, cooking and taking care of my family.
I wish I could figure out where to find graphics to put on the blog...saw some on another blog that I really like, but can't find the link for them anywhere!
I wish I didn't feel like a pregnancy failure...how many times have I been pregnant, how many kids do I have?? ( I have more babies in Heaven than I do on Earth)
I wish I wasn't so selfish that I would rather have Adam here with me than healed in Heaven.
I wish I could just hold Adam one more time.
I wish I could say that it didn't cross my mind, for a very brief second, while visiting his grave to dig him up just to hold him again (yeah, I know, very very bad idea, but a grieving mother doesn't have too many good ideas)
I wish I knew how to deal with all of this...
I'm happy that...
I'm happy that I got to be pregnant with Adam for 35 weeks!
I'm happy that I got to feel his kicks, hiccups and bond with him while he was growing.
I'm happy that I got to spend 4 days with Adam while he was alive.
I'm happy that I went the night before Adam died and said "Goodnight".
I'm happy that I have family and friends that are trying to help me through this.
I'm happy that I had a wonderful photographer that took beautiful pictures of my baby boy.
I'm happy that Adam is not suffering at all anymore!
I'm happy that Steve's work gave him the days off to go on the cruise.
I'm happy that we had enough Seamiles Points to take a free cruise.
I'm happy that Allison is a wonderful, caring person. I am lucky to have her as my daughter.
I'm happy that Steve is still putting up with me after almost 4 years of marriage.
I'm happy that listening to Linkin Park and breaking plates allows me to get out some of my anger.
I'm happy that I won a trip to Disney last year and can't wait to take Allison for her birthday.
I'm happy that I started this blog to get out all of my feelings!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Homesick
Its been a week since I last posted and I would like to tell everyone that I am doing so much better and am moving on just fine. But that is not the case. Maybe I am doing a little better, I am not crying as often, but I think that's because I am just sick of crying! I have good hours and bad hours. But the pain is still there so much and I just don't know how to make it stop!
I know I will always love Adam and miss him, but I want to enjoy life again. We have been trying to take Allison to do a lot lately, trying to distract all of us from this, but even when I start to feel "happy", its not "real happiness". Deep down I am crying and screaming and angry and think that life is not fair at all! Why do people who do drugs throughout their pregnancies end up with healthy babies? Why do people abort completely healthy babies every day because they don't want them and I desperately wanted Adam and I can't have him?? It's just not fair!
I have a niece who was born 1 week before Adam. I tried to be strong and see her yesterday, I thought I could do it. Instead, I couldn't even look at her without falling apart inside! Allison was very interested in her and it just hurt so bad. She should be able to be a big sister to her little brother. I should be able to be a mother to my son. Instead I am left with this pain, a piece of me is gone and I can't get it back. My heart continuously aches for Adam. My arms ache to hold him. I just wish I could make sense out of all of this!
There are 2 things that have brought me comfort lately. The first is the pictures that the photographer, Stephanie from Angel's Touch Photography took of Adam. I think I get on her website several times a day to see pictures of my baby. Seeing him just makes me feel better. The only thing I regret, is that Allison was so sick the day he died, that I was unable to get any pictures of her holding him. And that makes me wonder, why did God allow her to get sick that day? He knew that he was taking Adam home and how important it was for me to have pictures of my 2 children together, and yet he allowed her to get sick. While I am upset about this, I do have the pictures of me and Steve with Adam and I am forever thankful to Stephanie for doing this for me. The pictures we took don't even compare to the beauty of the ones she did for us.
Another thing that brings me comfort is a song by MercyMe called Homesick. Actually, I heard it one a slide show Stephanie made of the pictures she took for us and I immediately was able to relate to it. Here are the lyrics:
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
The song really just puts into words how I am feeling. I know Adam is much better off in Heaven than here on Earth and I am so happy for him. But it still hurts so bad. We did everything we could to try and save him. Even knowing that it didn't help, I would do it all over again if I had to! The dr bills keep coming in and its just another reminder that no matter how hard you try or how much you pray for something, if it's not what God wants, then you will not get your way. God knows whats best and someday he will tell me why this had to happen.
I am going to start seriously looking for a job this week. I should be released to go back to work in about a month and need to have something lined up. But I know I need something low stress. I cannot return to being an ER nurse right now. It is just too stressful and I think its going to be a long time before I am able to think clearly and don't want to kill anyone.
We have a free cruise from points from a credit card and really want to take it before I go back to work. I need to get away and relax. Everywhere we go around here, I have a memory of being pregnant with Adam and it just brings back all the pain of knowing that he was alive inside of me and now he's not. We never went on a cruise when was pregnant, so hopefully we will be able to escape too many painful memories, even if for only a few days. As long as Steve's work lets him have a couple days off then we will be able to go in the beginning of December, probably around our anniversary.
Sorry, I feel like I have written a book.
I know I will always love Adam and miss him, but I want to enjoy life again. We have been trying to take Allison to do a lot lately, trying to distract all of us from this, but even when I start to feel "happy", its not "real happiness". Deep down I am crying and screaming and angry and think that life is not fair at all! Why do people who do drugs throughout their pregnancies end up with healthy babies? Why do people abort completely healthy babies every day because they don't want them and I desperately wanted Adam and I can't have him?? It's just not fair!
I have a niece who was born 1 week before Adam. I tried to be strong and see her yesterday, I thought I could do it. Instead, I couldn't even look at her without falling apart inside! Allison was very interested in her and it just hurt so bad. She should be able to be a big sister to her little brother. I should be able to be a mother to my son. Instead I am left with this pain, a piece of me is gone and I can't get it back. My heart continuously aches for Adam. My arms ache to hold him. I just wish I could make sense out of all of this!
There are 2 things that have brought me comfort lately. The first is the pictures that the photographer, Stephanie from Angel's Touch Photography took of Adam. I think I get on her website several times a day to see pictures of my baby. Seeing him just makes me feel better. The only thing I regret, is that Allison was so sick the day he died, that I was unable to get any pictures of her holding him. And that makes me wonder, why did God allow her to get sick that day? He knew that he was taking Adam home and how important it was for me to have pictures of my 2 children together, and yet he allowed her to get sick. While I am upset about this, I do have the pictures of me and Steve with Adam and I am forever thankful to Stephanie for doing this for me. The pictures we took don't even compare to the beauty of the ones she did for us.
Another thing that brings me comfort is a song by MercyMe called Homesick. Actually, I heard it one a slide show Stephanie made of the pictures she took for us and I immediately was able to relate to it. Here are the lyrics:
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
The song really just puts into words how I am feeling. I know Adam is much better off in Heaven than here on Earth and I am so happy for him. But it still hurts so bad. We did everything we could to try and save him. Even knowing that it didn't help, I would do it all over again if I had to! The dr bills keep coming in and its just another reminder that no matter how hard you try or how much you pray for something, if it's not what God wants, then you will not get your way. God knows whats best and someday he will tell me why this had to happen.
I am going to start seriously looking for a job this week. I should be released to go back to work in about a month and need to have something lined up. But I know I need something low stress. I cannot return to being an ER nurse right now. It is just too stressful and I think its going to be a long time before I am able to think clearly and don't want to kill anyone.
We have a free cruise from points from a credit card and really want to take it before I go back to work. I need to get away and relax. Everywhere we go around here, I have a memory of being pregnant with Adam and it just brings back all the pain of knowing that he was alive inside of me and now he's not. We never went on a cruise when was pregnant, so hopefully we will be able to escape too many painful memories, even if for only a few days. As long as Steve's work lets him have a couple days off then we will be able to go in the beginning of December, probably around our anniversary.
Sorry, I feel like I have written a book.
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