It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Birthday, Adam!!!

One year ago today, at exactly 9:23am, a 4 lb 8.5 oz baby boy was born.  The most precious baby boy ever!  I wish I was celebrating Adam's birthday watching him smash a little cake, toddle all around the living room and try to open his presents.  But instead I celebrated it by baking cupcakes, bringing them to the cemetary and singing "Happy Birthday" while watching sparklers light up in the ground.  So, no, today isn't how I would like to have celebrated my son's first birthday, but overall it was a peaceful time thinking about Adam. 

     I love you more than words can even begin to express.  I wish I was able to hold you today, but if mommy can't be there for you, I'm happy that Jesus can.  Please keep watching over us and never forget me and the love I have for you.  I know I will see you again someday, but until then, I will keep celebrating every one of your birthdays because the day you were born was the day that changed my life forever.   Happy 1st Birthday, Adam!!! 

Here is something that my friend Rebecca wrote for Adam.  I think it is beautiful and wanted to share it with everyone. 

Psalm for Adam

Your shining eyes we never saw

Your sweet voice we never heard

Your soft breath we never smelled

Your little diapers we never changed

We missed out on so much when you were taken away

Yet God formed you in your mother’s womb (Ps 139:13)

God saw you before you were born (Ps 139:15)

How precious are God’s thoughts about you.

They cannot be numbered (Ps 139:17)

Even the hairs of your head were numbered, you are so precious (Matt 10:30)

Now you are with the alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end (Rev 1:8)

He holds the keys to death and the grave, so we know you are alive with Him (Rev 1:18).

Now you see the throne in heaven, as bright as gemstones, glowing emerald (Rev 4:3)

You sing to God with the angels “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty—the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come.” (Rev 4:8).

You sing to Christ “Worthy is the Lamb” (Rev 5:11)

You will be judged and found pure, little one. You will be a priest of God and Christ and will reign a thousand years (Rev 20:6).

Then every tear will be wiped from our eyes, the tears we cry for you (Rev 21:4)

Then we will be together again.

But until then, we will always remember you, beautiful boy.

Happy Birthday Adam

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What is normal

What is " Normal"?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

-author unknown


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Adam's Birthday

Adam's 1st birthday is coming up way too soon!  It is less than a month away.  Steve and I have decided that we just want to have a small celebration with just us and Allison.  We will probably make cupcakes, visit the cemetery, sing "Happy Birthday", and release balloons. 

 It is going to be a tough day and I know not everyone is going to understand why we are even celebrating.  Some people are even saying that it really isn't his Birthday.  If you are one of those who really don't understand, I want to give you a new outlook on the situation.  By definition of the word, a Birthday is the day that one was born.  Well, here on Earth or not, Adam was born on October 30th.  Thus, October 30th, will always be Adam's Birth Day.  And as for the celebrating, well, do you celebrate Jesus' birthday on Christmas?  Jesus is no longer alive on earth, in the physical form, but we still celebrate his Birthday every year.  And I am pretty sure that school's, government office's and banks close every year for Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday.  So, nobody is going to make me feel weird for celebrating my son's birthday.

With all that being said.  I know that I am going to be a complete mess for the next few weeks with Adam's upcoming Birthday and also the anniversary of his death.  One thing that would bring a smile to my face and a little joy to my heart would be to know that there are other's out there who are thinking of my baby boy.  If you have a few minutes and would like to add a name to Adam's name gallery, I would really appreciate it!  Here is the link to the names that I have so far.  It can be as simple as writing Adam's name on a piece of paper and taking a picture of it or going to the beach and writing it in the sand.  Also, if anyone releases balloons for Adam,  I would LOVE a picture of the release. 

If you are still taking the time to read my blogs, thank you so much for your support!  It really means a lot!