It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gotta get this out....

This post is going to be a little different, because it's not completely going to be about Adam like all of my other posts have been. 

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, then you know how long I have been wanting a 2nd living child.  I say "living child" because I consider Adam to be my second child, but I have been wanting a living sibling for Allison for over 2 years now.  If you haven't been following me since the beginning, then I will give you a recap.  In September 2008 we tried to get pregnant after receiving the news that my rheumatoid arthritis was progressing and I would need to be on medication to stop any further joint damage and the medication couldn't be taken during pregnancy.  We conceived right away, but a few days after I got a positive test, I had a very early miscarriage.  The dr's call it a "chemical pregnancy".  Whatever you call it, it still hurt really bad.  We tried again right away and I got pregnant right away again.  This time it lasted until 7.5 weeks when I had an ultrasound that showed that the pregnancy had stopped growing a couple weeks before.  I had to have a procedure called a d&e since my body wasn't recognizing that the pregnancy had stopped progressing.  After the procedure, my Dr told me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  The 3 cycles went by and I got pregnant again.  This time, with twins.  Only at 8.5 weeks, twin A stopped growing.  The remaining twin was Adam and of course you know how that went.  After Adam we weren't sure if we were going to try again.  Then in July of this year we decided that we were ready.  I got pregnant right away again, but had another early loss shortly after getting a positive test.  I saw my Dr and he ran tests to see if there was a reason for all of these losses, but he couldn't find anything.  In September, we started trying again and this time it took 3 months to become pregnant.

And this is where the present story comes in.  I started out very optimistic  about this pregnancy and started telling family at about 5 weeks.  A few days later, I started cramping and spotting and was sure I was having a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing there to indicate a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy.  I was sent for more blood work and then would come back for another ultrasound.  At that one, there was growth.  There was actually a gestational sac and the start of something in it.  I left pretty confused because I had actually started bleeding and didn't understand how I wasn't miscarrying.  A few days later the dr brought me back in for another ultrasound and told me that there was more development and now there was also a yolk sac and the start of a fetal pole, BUT it appeared that the sac was implanted in my cervix instead of my uterus.  A pregnancy cannot continue in the cervix because there isn't enough room for the baby to grow and if it did continue, I would eventually bleed out and die.  I was referred to a specialist who confirmed this diagnosis when he did  his own ultrasound and then told me that I would need a shot to end the pregnancy.    During this last ultrasound, there was further development and a heartbeat...  My baby was alive and I had to kill it by ending the pregnancy or it would kill me!  I knew I had to get the shots or I would be leaving Allison without a mother. 

I cried and kept asking God "Why?"  After everything we had been through with Adam, why was this happening?  Haven't I been through enough already?  On the way home, I told my baby (who I believe was a girl) that I was so sorry that I had to do that and to please go to Heaven, that her big brother Adam was there to show her around.  I told her that mommy would see her again someday and that I loved her.  In my head I know I did what I had to do, but my heart hurts so bad.  Today has been a week since I got the shots and my head is still telling me that I killed my baby.  I just don't understand why I can't have a second living child.  It seems like everybody I know is announcing that they are pregnant these days.  I would love to give it one more shot, but Steve is totally against it and I don't know if I can take anymore heartache.  I am also upset for Allison.  I don't know what I would do without my brother and sisters and she is going to grow up without any.  I feel like she is being cheated.  It also doesn't help that she constantly prays to have a baby sister.  And I can't give her one. 

We weren't going to share this with anyone, and Steve doesn't even know I am writing this.  But keeping this inside has been eating me alive.  I want another baby!  I want to be pregnant!  I want to give Allison a sibling!  Every time I see a pregnancy announcement, an ultrasound picture, a pregnant woman complaining about being nauseous, a mother of a newborn complaining about not getting any sleep,  it makes me want to scream and cry.  I am becoming so bitter!  For the new year, I am going to have to guard my heart until it can heal some.  Until I come to terms with Allison being my only child that I get to see grow up.  I am going to try to stay away from Facebook, Babycenter and even the blogs.  I will be back and try to catch up with everybody when I feel like I am stronger, but right now, it is just too much...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The post I never wrote

I can't believe I haven't written a blog since Adam's birthday.  I have been wanting to, many times.  And it's not because I don't miss Adam or that I have forgotten about him.  I just haven't been in the place to share what I am feeling because it is the same feelings over and over again.  I miss Adam.  I wish he was here with me.  I dream about the day I get to see him again in Heaven. 

Anyway, I still am not in the place to write down any feelings, but I wanted to share some pictures from Adam's Birthday and from the anniversary of the day that he got to meet Jesus. 

Instead of making a Birthday cake, I made Adam yummy Birthday cupcakes. 

Adam's Birthday decorations and gifts. 

The "A" cupcake.  Allison insisted it was Adam's but didn't like that he wasn't here to eat it.  And his 3 sparklers; 2 stars and a 1.

The sparklers lighting up as we sang "Happy Birthday".

The balloon to Adam from Steve

Another balloon....

Allison drew a picture of Adam on her balloon.

And she wrote his name

My balloon to Adam.

Proud big sister with her balloon.

Steve waiting for the time to "send them to Adam".

Me, holding on to the balloons tight and not wanting to le them go because it felt like I was letting go of Adam again. 

The 1st one was off....

Steve's were not far behind.

There they go!

We stood there and watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

Now I am preparing to spend another Christmas without Adam.  Last year, I bought him an ornament for our tree and said that it would just be a one time thing.  Ha!  I can't leave him out.  I bought him another ornament, picked out another picture of him to go in the frame and it is in the front of the tree right next to his big sister's!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Birthday, Adam!!!

One year ago today, at exactly 9:23am, a 4 lb 8.5 oz baby boy was born.  The most precious baby boy ever!  I wish I was celebrating Adam's birthday watching him smash a little cake, toddle all around the living room and try to open his presents.  But instead I celebrated it by baking cupcakes, bringing them to the cemetary and singing "Happy Birthday" while watching sparklers light up in the ground.  So, no, today isn't how I would like to have celebrated my son's first birthday, but overall it was a peaceful time thinking about Adam. 

     I love you more than words can even begin to express.  I wish I was able to hold you today, but if mommy can't be there for you, I'm happy that Jesus can.  Please keep watching over us and never forget me and the love I have for you.  I know I will see you again someday, but until then, I will keep celebrating every one of your birthdays because the day you were born was the day that changed my life forever.   Happy 1st Birthday, Adam!!! 

Here is something that my friend Rebecca wrote for Adam.  I think it is beautiful and wanted to share it with everyone. 

Psalm for Adam

Your shining eyes we never saw

Your sweet voice we never heard

Your soft breath we never smelled

Your little diapers we never changed

We missed out on so much when you were taken away

Yet God formed you in your mother’s womb (Ps 139:13)

God saw you before you were born (Ps 139:15)

How precious are God’s thoughts about you.

They cannot be numbered (Ps 139:17)

Even the hairs of your head were numbered, you are so precious (Matt 10:30)

Now you are with the alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end (Rev 1:8)

He holds the keys to death and the grave, so we know you are alive with Him (Rev 1:18).

Now you see the throne in heaven, as bright as gemstones, glowing emerald (Rev 4:3)

You sing to God with the angels “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty—the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come.” (Rev 4:8).

You sing to Christ “Worthy is the Lamb” (Rev 5:11)

You will be judged and found pure, little one. You will be a priest of God and Christ and will reign a thousand years (Rev 20:6).

Then every tear will be wiped from our eyes, the tears we cry for you (Rev 21:4)

Then we will be together again.

But until then, we will always remember you, beautiful boy.

Happy Birthday Adam

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What is normal

What is " Normal"?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

-author unknown


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Adam's Birthday

Adam's 1st birthday is coming up way too soon!  It is less than a month away.  Steve and I have decided that we just want to have a small celebration with just us and Allison.  We will probably make cupcakes, visit the cemetery, sing "Happy Birthday", and release balloons. 

 It is going to be a tough day and I know not everyone is going to understand why we are even celebrating.  Some people are even saying that it really isn't his Birthday.  If you are one of those who really don't understand, I want to give you a new outlook on the situation.  By definition of the word, a Birthday is the day that one was born.  Well, here on Earth or not, Adam was born on October 30th.  Thus, October 30th, will always be Adam's Birth Day.  And as for the celebrating, well, do you celebrate Jesus' birthday on Christmas?  Jesus is no longer alive on earth, in the physical form, but we still celebrate his Birthday every year.  And I am pretty sure that school's, government office's and banks close every year for Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday.  So, nobody is going to make me feel weird for celebrating my son's birthday.

With all that being said.  I know that I am going to be a complete mess for the next few weeks with Adam's upcoming Birthday and also the anniversary of his death.  One thing that would bring a smile to my face and a little joy to my heart would be to know that there are other's out there who are thinking of my baby boy.  If you have a few minutes and would like to add a name to Adam's name gallery, I would really appreciate it!  Here is the link to the names that I have so far.  It can be as simple as writing Adam's name on a piece of paper and taking a picture of it or going to the beach and writing it in the sand.  Also, if anyone releases balloons for Adam,  I would LOVE a picture of the release. 

If you are still taking the time to read my blogs, thank you so much for your support!  It really means a lot!

Friday, September 3, 2010

If only I could peak into Heaven...

If only I could take a little peak into Heaven, and see Adam,  my heart might not ache so much.  I wish I knew more about Heaven so that I would have an idea about what Adam looks like, what he's doing, and what knows about me.  Is he still a newborn?  A 10 month old baby boy?  Or is he an adult?  If I could just have an image of him, my mind would be more at ease.  What is he really doing in Heaven?  Is he playing with my other babies?  Is he praising God by singing a beautiful song to him?  Does he get to see what I'm doing and watch his big sister grow up?  I just have so many questions that I wish I had answers to.

Yesterday, before work, I looked up to the night sky and said to God, "Please, please let me see a shooting star!  It's been SO long!"  Before I finished the work "long", there it was!  A star shooting across the sky.  How can that not have been an answered prayer?  I am always looking at the stars and praying for a shooting star, but hadn't seen one since December on the cruise.  I actually had pretty much given up because I figured that God wanted me to have Faith in Him, and if he always showed me a star when I asked for one, then that wouldn't really be faith.  Today marks 10 months since Adam went to Heaven.  I think if I hadn't seen that star yesterday, I would be a complete mess today.  But I do have a little sense of peace knowing that he is ok. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Name Gallery

I have decided to start a new blog dedicated just to pictures of Adam's name.  Feel free to email me at with any pictures that you would like to add.  If you would like to view the gallery or read about why I have started it, please visit my new site at

Dad's Hurt Too

I found  a poem on FaceBook that I wanted to share.  It really is true and I think most of the time, people do forget that it is not just mother's that feel the pain from losing their child.

Dads Hurt Too
 People don't always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong, Even though his world's gone wrong.
He holds his wife as her tears fall, Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.
So when he's alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.
He feels he has to be strong for others, But Dads hurt too,
not just the Mothers, He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don't always show how they really feel.
So I'd like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting over the loss of her child,
please remember.....a Dad hurts too

Written by author unknown

I love you, Stephen and I know that you are hurting too!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

And again...

 I am starting to feel like a broken record.  I miss Adam.  I miss him so much, I would give anything to hold him again.  To kiss his little forehead, to hold him in my arms and tell him again how much I love him. 

Here is a poem that I found that I really like

A million times I've missed you, a million times I've cried.

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn't go alone,
for part of me went with you the day the angels called you home.
For things on earth don't matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, but our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.


Sometimes I feel like some people are waiting for me to "get over it".  Guess what?  It's NOT going to happen.  If that's what you are waiting on, then maybe you should just move on.  Nobody is forcing you to read my blog, you can always "hide" my Facebook status updates.  This grieving that I am doing is going to last a lifetime and if it is too much for you to handle, if I make you uncomfortable, try to put yourself in my shoes and think about how I feel...

And to everyone else, thank you for your support and dealing with my moodiness, frequent teary eyes and saddness!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy 8 mths in Heaven, baby boy!

I can't believe that it has already been 8 months!!  It really feels like this all happened just last week.  Some days I am ok.  I know Adam is in a better place and it is selfish to wish he was here suffering.  Other days I just don't understand.  I feel like a brat, kicking and screaming inside because I did not get my way.  I am starting to wonder if a week will ever go by that I don't cry.  I am sick of crying!  I try to hide it as best as I can, mostly from Allison.  She is so smart, when she sees me crying, she asks if I am ok and hugs and kisses me and then asks if I miss Adam. 

Whenever I hear that another baby has passed, it always brings back the same emotions and my heart literally aches for the family.  Until this happened to me, I had no idea that there was a whole baby loss community out there.  I have met so many wonderful women who have lost their babies.  We understand eachother and they are such a good support system for me!

     No matter if it has been 8 months, 8 years or 80 years, as long as you are in Heaven and I am on Earth, I will miss you with all of my heart!!  I will always have a place in my heart for you and not a day will go by that I don't think of you.  I love you baby boy!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Remembering Adam at Disney

 Last year when I was pregnant with Adam, I won a vacation to Disney World for 2 adults and 2 children.  Because I was having so many problems with the pregnancy, we booked the trip for June of this year.  This way, we would be going for Allison's 3rd birthday and it would give Adam the best chance of going with us.  June finally came and we got to go on our vacation, but we were missing one of our children...
I knew it was going to be hard to take this trip, but at the same time I was so excited to take Allison, and of course, I love Disney myself.  But I was not prepared for how I was going to feel when I checked into the hotel and had to admit to the staff that my son was not there.  They had room keys with each of our names printed on them.  When I told them that Adam was not there, they kept his key.  I hadn't told them why he wasn't there, just that he wasn't going to be joining us.  When I got to the car and told Steve about what happened, I was crying and heart broken.  He went back in and they gave him the key card.  Now I have something else that says my son's beautiful name on it!  Just more proof that he was really here.

Anyway, once I pulled myself together I was able to enjoy the trip with Allison and remember Adam while we were there.  I bought him a Mickey hat with his name stitched on the back.  He was supposed to be on this trip and I had to buy a souvenir for him!  I took the hat and placed it on a sign outside of the store and got a great picture of his name in front of the Castle. 

As much as I would have loved to have Adam experience Disney World with us, I just try to remember that being in Heaven has to be like being at Disney everyday, for all eternity.  (actually, I'm sure it's better than Disney)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The results are in...

We got Adam's autopsy results in the mail today, finally after 5 1/2 months.  I have shared so much personal information on here, but I think I am going to keep most of the details limited to just family and close friends.  I will say that Adam did have a Congenital Heart Defect, it just wasn't the defect that the dr's thought it was.  He also did have mulitcystic kidneys due to a urinary outlet obstruction.  

No matter how many birth "defects" Adam had, he is still perfect in every way in my eyes!!  After seeing these results, I will admit that God spared my son from what could have been a very tough life and allowed him to enjoy peace and happiness in Heaven for all eternity and I will thank him for that every day for the rest of my life!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A Letter to my Little Star....

       It has been more than 5 1/2 months since you went to Heaven and I don't think I will ever stop missing you.  Sometimes, I just sit and think about you.  I remember how you used to hiccup quite often and kick my left side with your little heels so hard that it would really hurt.  I remember sitting in the shower rubbing my belly just sitting there waiting for even the slightest little nudge from you so that I knew you were ok.  I remember how scared I was during your surgery when I was still pregnant and your heart rate started to drop and they had to quickly bring you back.  I had just gotten used to the idea that you were a boy and I just wanted to start sobbing in the middle of the surgery because I thought I was losing my baby boy right then. 

I feel like I was so scared about how your little life would turn out that I did not allow myself to enjoy you growing inside of me.  I wish I would have talked to you more.  I wish I would have had maternity pictures taken.  Actually, I have a few thanks to your Aunt Jenn for making me take some while we were at the pumpkin patch about a week before you decided you were done being squished inside my belly and wanted out to stretch.

 I think about how scared I was during your delivery when you came out without crying.  Nobody was telling us if you were even alive.  I was hoping so much that your lungs would have grown enough so that you would be able to breath by yourself and wouldn't need to have that awful tube down your throat.  But they were so small and stiff, you couldn't even cry.  How would I have liked to hear just a little cry or whimper from you, or see you move, even if it was just moving a little toe. 

And many times, I think back to what really turns out to be the best day of your short life, the day Jesus brought you to Heaven.  I don't know how I managed to run to you so fast after having surgery just 4 days before.  I think God temporarily numbed the pain for me so I could get to you.  But when me and daddy got there, it was too late.  You were already gone.  You looked so pale and exhausted.  But God had taken you and relieved you from anymore suffering.  How nice it was to feel you in my arms.  I am also very lucky to have had professional pictures of you that are hung up all over the house.  Nobody will ever be able to come over and not know who you are!

These past few months have been really hard.  But I am starting to accept that you are gone and I am going to have to be patient to wait my turn to go to Heaven and get to know you.  I constantly look up at the stars and think of you.  I pray all the time for a shooting star, but haven't seen one since the cruise, maybe you could ask God to give me one more?  I go often to "check on your things", as your big sister Allison calls it.  She misses you so much too!  Sometimes she pretends to carry you around and play with you.  She says that she sees you sometimes too.  It really makes me wonder if she really does.  Baby, mommy would like to see you too!  The other day, I couldn't get to sleep so I just closed my eyes and pretended that you were lying next to me sleeping like Allison used to do.  I probably had the most peaceful sleep that I have had in a long time.

Most of all Adam, I just want you to know how much mommy loves and misses you.  I wish I could see what you were doing.  Lately I have just been feeling more at peace, I feel like you really are ok and happy, happier than I ever could have made you here. 

There was a time not too long ago, that I just wanted to give up on life.  Then I heard this wonderful song that has really inspired me to keep going and know that I can overcome anything with the help of God. 

Britt Nicole- "Walk on Water"
I love you, Adam!!  I will never forget you and you will always be my son and a part of this family!!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Getting Impatient

It has been almost 5 months since Adam went to Heaven. On the day he left us, the neonatologist urged us to get an autopsy done so we could try to find out why Adam had all of his issues. My initial reaction was "No!". I did not want them cutting into my baby. Then he started explaining that it would help us know if there was a genetic problem and it would be helpful for Allison when she got older. So I went ahead and signed the consent. He said it would take 1-2 months to get results. We STILL don't have results. At first, Steve was calling weekly, then twice weekly. Now the girls that answer the phone know him and say that they are checking for him daily. Technically, they only had 90 days to get us the results. He did actually speak to the pathologist a few weeks ago and he said it would be a week and a half. That week and a half has come and gone...

I am getting so impatient! I need these results to get more closure. I feel like there is still something hanging over my head. I can't understand what could possibly be taking so long. I will say that if they lost any of the samples or results, they will not know what hit them because I will be driving up to St.Pete and taking all of my anger and frustration out on somebody!!!

I have now just passed the anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant with Adam. I know the coming months are going to be extra hard because I am going to be remembering that this time last year I was pregnant and playing back in my head all the milestones and heartaches...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

"Just the Same"

My parents bought us a plaque that has a beautiful poem on it and I wanted to share it with everyone.

"Just the Same" by Anne Peterson

I never got to hold you and bounce you on my lap,
I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap.
You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to know I love you just the same.

Friday, March 5, 2010

It's been awhile....

I didn't write a post at all last month, mainly because it was the worst month that I have had since losing Adam. It started out with a patient of mine dying on my second day off of orientation and ending with me quitting my job. I am feeling so lost and confused. I just don't know what direction I am supposed to be taking from here.

I honestly think in the last month, I could have written a separate blog everyday. And each one probably would have contradicted the one before. This roller coaster ride of grief has so many ups and downs, and I never know what way I am heading. I can be feeling a little down, and then I can either start to feel better or worse. I never know what's coming.

I feel like I have become "the one whose baby died", or the "one who has lost her mind and constantly grieves for her son". And these things are probably true. I need to try to get a handle on my life again and become the person I want to be. It is just SO hard. I just wish there was a new medical break-through that could heal a broken heart. I never knew that a broken heart could physically hurt so bad. It just aches as if it literally was broken. There is a continuous lump in the throat, you know the "lump" you feel before you break down and cry? It doesn't go away.

I had this wonderful idea that I wanted to arrange a 5K run to raise money for a Memorial Fund that I was going to set up in Adam's name to help pay for funeral costs for those who lose a baby or small child. I have this image of how wonderful it would be to help others and keep Adam's name alive. Then I kinda "lost it" again and realized that I have no idea how to start something like this and the stress would just be too much on me right now. I do hope to one day make this dream of mine come true, but I think my mental sanity is a little more important right now.

I got Adam's birth certificate today. I have been putting off going for awhile now. I wasn't real sure why until after I got it today. It is a beautiful certificate. It isn't plain like the one they gave us for Allison. Then, if you look in the right hand corner, you see the word, "deceased". Ouch. That hurts. Yes, I know my son is deceased. I have a death certificate that tells me that. Couldn't they have allowed me to have a birth certificate that tells me about his birth, his life and leave his death out of it? After I got it, I was kind of lost. I didn't have Allison with me, which almost never happens unless I am at a Dr's appt. I walked around Target, not real sure what to do with myself.

I know this post has kind of been all over the place. But so are my thoughts. I don't think I have asked for any prayer requests since Adam passed away. Part of me thought, "Well praying for Adam didn't work, so whats the point?" In reality, praying for Adam did work. God answered almost every prayer I asked him for Adam. I got to see him alive, got to hold him, and God took Adam to Heaven and healed him before I ever had to see him suffer and make the choice to end his life on my terms. Now I am asking for more prayers, this time for me and Steve. Please pray that we can come to peace with all of this and try to continue with our lives, so that we can give Allison the best life possible. Pray, that I get the job that God wants me to have, one that I can handle emotionally and physically. I feel so broken, please ask God to just get me through this tough time and become the person I am supposed to be...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Faith Like a Child

Allison was playing with her stuffed bunny today that plays, "Jesus Loves Me". She was singing and dancing and just overall very happy. And it really got me to thinking. Here is a 2 year old who is still trying to figure out the world. For months she was told that she was going to have a little brother. He was going to come out of mommy's belly and play with her. She used to talk to him and whisper to my belly. And I know he heard her because everytime she would talk to him, he would kick. Adam loved to hear his big sister.

She was then told that Adam was born but was very sick and she couldn't see him yet. 4 days later I had to explain to her that Adam went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Honestly, other than singing, "Jesus Loves Me", I never really talked to her about Jesus or God. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to explain to her about someone that she couldn't see. I just didn't think she would understand.

After we talked, she did seem to understand, in her own way. She always tells me that Adam is in Heaven with Jesus and one day Jesus will take her to Heaven too. She loves any song that talks about Jesus and asks quite often to hear a select few.

I wish I had faith like her. If I really didn't understand the concept of God and Jesus and one day I was told that this "Jesus" man took my brother to Heaven and I couldn't go see him, I think I would come to hate this person they call "Jesus". I would be downright angry! Luckily, I do understand. And luckily Allison has fallen in love with Jesus. She isn't made at him at all for taking Adam. She understands that He was the only one able to fix her brother and make him better. She knows that one day she will be able to go to Heaven with Adam and Jesus.

Even with my understanding and relationship with God, I will admit that many times I am mad. I am frustrated. I don't understand why this had to happen to Adam. Why this had to happen to me and my family. There are so many women getting pregnant everyday with healthy babies that they don't want and they abort them, put them up for adoption or just neglect them so that these children don't know what love is. There are women who are terminating their babies because they aren't perfect, because they have down syndrome or another birth defect that is not fatal. What I would give to have Adam here with down syndrome or another problem that could be medically treated. I just don't get it.

I think I need to learn a lesson from Allison and just trust in God, believe that he knows what is best for Adam and my family and stop questioning why. One day, when it is my turn to go to Heaven, I will have all my questions answered and will surely thank God for giving me Adam and for taking him away. Until then, I just need to have faith like a child....

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Need to clarify...

I guess I wasn't very clear in my blog last night when I said that I didn't see the point of living on this earth anymore. The truth is, I don't. But I also don't have a choice in the matter. I am here until God is ready to take me Home. I am frustrated with how the world is, but I am also making the best of it. I don't have dreams for myself of buying a lot of possessions, they're just "things". I don't exactly like being a nurse, but I know in the big scheme of things, it's only temporary. I think when you really get to know grief and feel real pain, the smaller things in life just seem so insignificant. I don't care what other people think anymore. Sometimes when people get upset over little things, I just want to roll my eyes because it's just so unimportant when you really think about it.

I think losing Adam has actually made me a better mother and wife. I have gotten much closer to Steve, our relationship has definetly has really grown. And I really do think I am a better mother to Allison. I get much more joy out of watching her grow up then I have in a long time. Right now, the only thing I am excited about is taking Allison to Disney World for her 3rd birthday. We even have a calendar that we have been counting down the days for it. I really don't know who's more excited, me or her.

Sorry if I made it seem like I had given up on life because that's not the case. This world just sucks and I am over it. While I may not be "living MY life to the fullest", I am trying to allow Allison to experience as much of the world as she can and am enjoying watching her do it. Maybe someday I will begin to love living again but right now this is the new me and I am doing the best I can...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt over things that I regret. I feel so guilty for not enjoying my pregnancy with Adam more. I did not talk to him like I did Allison. I did not tell him enough that I loved him. He couldn't kick a lot because he didn't have much fluid but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel it when I rubbed my belly. Why didn't I do it more? I was so sad most of my pregnancy that I just didn't take the time out to enjoy the life growing inside me. I never wanted a picture of my belly. I hate how I look pregnant, but I really wish I would have taken more. And now that I think back, Adam heard all of the things that I was saying when I was upset. He heard me crying. He could hear it when the doctors kept telling me how "grim" of a situation this was. Did he feel my anxiety and fear? I love him so much and I hope through everything, he was able to sense that.

Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.

I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.

I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Back to Work

I went back to work last week. I am working in the same hospital but on a different unit with patients that are a little different than what I am used to. I have a lot to learn. The first couple days were pretty rough. I cried the whole way to work and the whole way home. I even had to hide in the bathroom a couple times to wipe my tears. The first day it was very surreal. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I was back to work. It was another step in moving on. A hard step. I saw some people who knew about Adam and would ask how I was. I saw people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know the outcome and I would have to tell them what happened. And I saw people that didn't even remember I was pregnant and had no idea how much I was hurting. No matter how much knowledge anybody had about me and Adam it hurt to talk about it. But it also felt nice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess it just brought back lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with while I was working. But it felt nice to hear my sons name and think about him.

I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.

This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Goodbye 2009

Goodbye 2009. What an awful year it was and it is a year I will never forget! I said in my last post that I really was having trouble leaving 2009. It was the year I got pregnant with Adam, the year I lost his twin, the year God gave me 4 days to spend with Adam on earth and the year God took Adam to Heaven. As horrible as it was, I would go through it all again, just to have that chance to see my baby boy. I would go through the amnio, the two bladder taps where the doctor inserted a needle through me to get to Adam's urine, the awful surgery to place a shunt into his bladder, the 5x /week dr appts, the numerous trips to Miami and St.Pete, the helicopter ride to St.Pete, the 24 hours of labor before the csection, the csection where my blood pressure kept dropping and I kept almost passing out, the csection scar that I will always have with me, the running from the Ronald McDonald House 4 days after my surgery to get to Adam after we received the dreaded call, walking in to see my lifeless boy lying there with so many people standing around him, the planning of the funeral.... I would go through it all again if given the choice just to have those 4 days and the forever memories with my son.

Despite all of this, I think I had the best New Years Eve I have had in a long time. Steve, Allison and I went to Chili's for dinner. I think I am becoming addicted to that place thanks to a couple gift cards. When we came home, me and Allison stood outside and watched fireworks that people in the area were putting off. They were nothing compared to the professional ones, but Allison didn't know the difference and it was just wonderful to see her face light up as she watched them in the sky. After Allison went to bed, me and Steve stayed up and watched New Year's Rockin Eve. The closer it got to midnight, the harder it was to hold back the tears. I hated 2009, but I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to leave Adam in 2009 while I moved on with my life in 2010. We sat and watched the clock count down. Tears began to flow. I couldn't stop it. Then we watched the ball drop and with salty tears running down my face, I received a midnight kiss from the best husband in the world. Then he held me and just let me cry. I don't think he really understood why I was so upset, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but he just let me cry and listened to me talk and we both just thought about our precious son. It was a sad New Year's Eve, but I really enjoyed spending it with Steve and Allison.

Now we are moving on into 2010. I really hope this is a much better year. I want to try to be a better mother to Allison and a better wife to Steve. I want to try to get my act together and become the person that I want to be. I want to do something meaningful in Adam's name. When I come up with the perfect idea of what that is, I will let you know.

Goodbye 2009, you will never be forgotten...