It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


And here is Adam's stocking and pin wheel.
Here is all of Adam's Christmas decorations. It's nice to go there and find "surprise" decorations that I don't know where they came from. Just shows that he has lots of people that care about him.

This is the ornament we hung on the Funeral Home's memory tree. Every year they have a candle lighting ceremony and families come and hang ornaments on one of their Christmas Trees. I love this pic of Adam.

Here is Adam's permanent headstone. Not sure how big it's going to post, so on the left it shows hands and says, "In God's care" and on the right is a teddy bear.

Made it through, the New Year

So I made it through my first Christmas without Adam. Christmas morning was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I was so excited to see Allison open all her presents and "read" the note Santa left for her. But when it was all done, I still felt like something was missing. And there was. Adam. I know 2 mth olds aren't too exciting during Christmas, but I would have loved to have him sitting in his bouncer by the tree watching his big sister open her presents, learning how to do it next year. Instead, I guess he was watching from Heaven.

I decided to make Adam his own stocking, with his name written on it in blue. Allison had one of her own, with her name in her favorite color, purple. I explained to Allison that Santa was going to put presents in her stocking for her and she was upset when I told her that Santa wasn't going to be bringing Adam anything. We had been wanting to find a pin wheel to put at the cemetery for Adam. The little boy next to him has one and it just brings a little life to the area. So I decided that Santa would bring one for Adam, I went to the store and couldn't find any at first, then there was one lonely pin wheel waiting for me a the end of the aisle. I got it and put it in Adam's stocking and let Allison find it for him on Christmas morning.

Before we went to eat dinner with Steve's family, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Adam and put the pin wheel there. My heart was aching to hold him so much that day and then what Allison did made it much worse. While we were there, she kept looking at the ornament on Adam's tree that had his picture on it. I thought that was cute. Then she said she was ready to go and went over to the tree and hugged it, walked away and started waving "goodbye". I had tried really hard not to cry that day because I didn't want to ruin her Christmas, but after she did that I really couldn't hold it in any longer. She would have been such a good big sister to him. I really wish she had that opportunity.

When we were at dinner with Steve's family, my niece was there. She was born one week before Adam. The last time I saw her I fell apart and really was worried that it was going to happen again. But it didn't. I was actually ok seeing her. It did hurt a little, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I don't think I am up to spending lots of time around her yet, but someday I will. I am just happy that she is so young because I would hate for her to think her aunt hates her. When she gets older to actually "know" me, I should be better to actually interact with her and maybe even hold her.

Now I have to try to get through the New Year. I think this might be difficult for me. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like by moving into 2010, I am leaving Adam behind. I don't want to move on without him. I am sure that after a few weeks into the New Year, I will get over it and just realize that nothing is really different except the date, but for now its just something else for me to deal with.

Since Christmas is over, this coming weekend, we will go to the cemetery and take all of the Christmas stuff down. I don't like to think that Adam won't have decorations there for him. I have decided to change out his decorations each month, to keep everything fresh and new. For January, I am just going with a winter theme. I bought a little snow man and snow flakes. I often feel the need just to go there and visit him, although I don't get to go as much as I would like. I know he's not really there. But by decorating for him and going there and making sure things are kept nice, it's my way of taking care of him. Its the only way I can "take care of him". It may seem silly to some but to me it's a way to still feel like I am Adam's mommy.

And a couple weeks ago, Adam's permanent marker came in. I will post pictures of that and a few Christmas pictures in another post. I am so bad at adding pictures and text in the same post...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

My First Christmas with Jesus

I see the countless Christmas tree around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow ,
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare with the Heaven's choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it's far beyond description just to hear the Angels sing!

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I'm not so very far away; we're really not apart
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year!

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love!
After all, more precious than pure gold,
Love was always more important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep eachother as my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings or the love He has for you!
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Chistmas
.....with Jesus Christ this year!

Author Unknown

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Peace and Shooting Stars

Steve and I went on a cruise last week. It happened to fall on our anniversary, but we took it just to try to get away for awhile. I think it really did me some good because I am starting to feel like a new person. I still miss Adam so much and the pain is still there. I can actually feel the ache in my heart and the knot in my throat doesn't seem to go away. But I have found some sort of peace. Maybe I am starting to reach the grieving stage of acceptance. Maybe I am numb to my sadness, I really don't know. I am not as angry as I was. I have much more patience with Allison. Missing her made me realize how much of a miracle she really is. Maybe Steve and I aren't genetically compatible to have healthy children. Maybe she is our miracle child. It has been so hard losing Adam but it would be 1000 times harder if I didn't have Allison. I really thank God for giving me her before any of the miscarriages and before having Adam. She makes my life worthwhile and gives me a reason to keep going.

I had to buy Allison souvenirs from each of the ports we went to, just something small. It was really hard for me not to want to buy something for Adam too. It seems silly because he can't have anything I buy him, I would just keep it at home or bring it to the cemetery, but I feel like I want to, not have to, but want to buy stuff for him. Maybe I will get over this eventually, and maybe not. It just feels weird not to include one of my children in all aspects of my life.

On the cruise, we had a balcony cabin. We spent the last night of the cruise relaxing out there and enjoying the night breeze. As I was looking up to the stars, I asked God to just show me a shooting star to let me know that Adam was ok. I waited a few minutes and nothing. I figured God wasn't going to give me any kind of sign that Adam was alright because I should just have faith that he was. Then suddenly, I saw it. A shooting star! Steve didn't see it, but I told him that I saw a shooting star and that I had asked God to show it to me. I could tell that he was upset because he had missed it so I asked God to show him one too. Almost as soon as I finished that prayer, Steve said that he just saw one too. Then we just sat there staring at the stars thinking of our little boy. I know Adam was looking down on us from Heaven smiling and knowing how much his parents love him. I know there will be some critics saying that the shooting stars were just a coincidence. And maybe they were. But it gives me peace to think that they were God and Adam's way of telling me to go on with my life that Adam is happier in Heaven than he would be on Earth. Now I think of Adam as my "Little Star"...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Adam is certainly a part of our Christmas!

Adam may be celebrating Jesus' birthday in Heaven, but we are making him a big part of our Christmas celebration here on Earth. I wanted to post a few things that we are doing to make sure Adam is remembered Christmas this year, as well as many years to come. I haven't posted pictures on here during a post before and am getting pretty frustrated, so they are in a little different order than I wanted them to be, but after 4 tries, I give up.

The first picture is of a Santa ornament that lights up and says Adam at the bottom. It is a little blurry, I think maybe because of the tree lights, but its the best one I got.

Every year we get Allison an ornament that has a current picture of her in it and I couldn't leave Adam out this year! Here is his picture ornament. It was hard finding an ornament that didn't say "Baby's First Christmas" on it. I just didn't feel like it was appropriate since he's not here for Christmas. I think I went to every store in town looking for the perfect ornament for him, and loved this one as soon as I found it at the Shell Factory.
Just a glimpse at his grave site with his Christmas trees, temporary name marker, flowers and cookie monster. His permanent gravestone should be in anytime and as soon as it gets in, I want to laminate a picture of him and tape/glue/somehow stick it there so everyone can see how beautiful my little boy was!
Here is a picture of the little Christmas tree my parents got for him. We bought little ornaments and Allison helped us decorate it. When I went back yesterday to take pictures, Allison was so cute and excited to go, she even waved and said goodbye to the tree when we left. She is so relaxed at the cemetery. She was trying to fix all the broken things that people put there for their babies and put back any flowers that had blown out of the vases. I hope she always feels comfortable to come visit her brother. Oh, and putting beaded garland on a tiny tree is next to impossible, but I did my best.

Here is something that Adam's Grandpa Charlie made for him and placed it on the gravesite. I am not sure what it is called, but it is made out of the extra leaves/branches from Christmas trees. It is really cute! I think Allison wanted to steal the Mickey Mouse ornament that was on it.

I also got a little ornament for Adam's twin to put on the tree, but since I am having trouble getting the pictures on here, I will have to post it when I figure it out. Lately I have been thinking a lot about that baby. Was it a boy or a girl? I think girl. And so far I am 2/2 on guessing the sexes of my babies. And what would he/she have looked like? Probably a lot like Adam. They were fraternal so I am sure they wouldn't look exactly alike. I remember when I lost that baby, a part of me didn't think I would ever be able to look at Adam without hurting because I would always know he was supposed to be a twin. Now, 9 mths later, I sit here with no babies. But they are together in Heaven with the other 2 babies that I miscarried and will one day get to play with their big sister Allison.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

One month

Today is one month since Adam left us. One month since my life changed forever. I am not the same person as I was before we got that phone call the morning of Nov. 3rd. I am not the person I want to be. I am unhappy, sad, angry, impatient, irritable. I hate being in crowds. I don't like talking to people. When I go out in public, it just reminds me that the world is continuing and I want it to stop. I just want it all to stop until I am able to continue with my life. But I don't know if I am ever going to feel ready to continue with my life. I really can't go anywhere or do anything without crying. I cry in Wal-Mart when I see the baby section, I cried at my niece's Thanksgiving performance just because there were so many happy people there and I wanted to be happy but couldn't, I cried the other night before dinner because the meal we were having was high carb and for a sec I thought I should be checking my blood sugar like I did when I was pregnant, I cry all the time in the car because Allison constantly wants to listen to the "Jesus song"- the song we played at Adam's funeral, I cry at the thought of going back to work and being among people again. How am I ever going to hold it together for a whole work day. I have several job interviews next week. How am I going to get through a whole interview without crying and telling them not to hire me because I don't think I can actually go through with it.

I have to try to go on and stop crying for Allison. She sees me cry and asks me why I am crying while grabbing a tissue to wipe my tears. I know she feels my sadness too, whenever I start to get upset, even if she can't see me or I try my best to hide it, her mood changes too. She has been very clingy lately. I can't leave her sight without her looking or crying for me. She won't eat very often unless I feed her. Its like she's reverting back to being a baby. She always "carries" around Adam and talks about him often. I just wish I knew what was going through her head. I have to try to pull myself together for her.

I have read quite a few blogs of other woman who have gone through losing a child and I really am not hopeful that I am going to be feeling better any time soon. From what I have read, the pain will stay the same, but I will one day learn to go on and be able to live my life with this pain. I know Adam wouldn't want me to stop living because he is not here. I have to keep going, find someway to make his life meaningful, not just to me, but to others who go through the same thing. I wish I could help other families who will face this situation. Maybe a book (good idea, Hollie). But in order to do anything like this, I need to get me better. I have decided, or more it was decided for me by Steve, that I need to talk to someone to help me sort out these feelings and make sense of what has happened.

Another thing I have read in others blogs, is how to deal with the question, "How many children do you have?". Some have said that they will go with the simple answer and just admit to the living children they have to avoid the complicated answer of what happened to their baby or to avoid making the person asking the question feel uncomfortable. I have decided, that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, I cannot deny that Adam is my son! It may make the other person feel bad for a short time, but it would make me feel bad for a lot longer if I said that I only have 1 child and not acknowledge Adam's life.

Here is a poem I found another a blogger friend, Lisette's, website. Lisette lost her daughter, Sami, about a week before Adam. I'm sure these 2 babies are playing together in Heaven!

A pair of shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.