It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gotta get this out....

This post is going to be a little different, because it's not completely going to be about Adam like all of my other posts have been. 

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, then you know how long I have been wanting a 2nd living child.  I say "living child" because I consider Adam to be my second child, but I have been wanting a living sibling for Allison for over 2 years now.  If you haven't been following me since the beginning, then I will give you a recap.  In September 2008 we tried to get pregnant after receiving the news that my rheumatoid arthritis was progressing and I would need to be on medication to stop any further joint damage and the medication couldn't be taken during pregnancy.  We conceived right away, but a few days after I got a positive test, I had a very early miscarriage.  The dr's call it a "chemical pregnancy".  Whatever you call it, it still hurt really bad.  We tried again right away and I got pregnant right away again.  This time it lasted until 7.5 weeks when I had an ultrasound that showed that the pregnancy had stopped growing a couple weeks before.  I had to have a procedure called a d&e since my body wasn't recognizing that the pregnancy had stopped progressing.  After the procedure, my Dr told me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  The 3 cycles went by and I got pregnant again.  This time, with twins.  Only at 8.5 weeks, twin A stopped growing.  The remaining twin was Adam and of course you know how that went.  After Adam we weren't sure if we were going to try again.  Then in July of this year we decided that we were ready.  I got pregnant right away again, but had another early loss shortly after getting a positive test.  I saw my Dr and he ran tests to see if there was a reason for all of these losses, but he couldn't find anything.  In September, we started trying again and this time it took 3 months to become pregnant.

And this is where the present story comes in.  I started out very optimistic  about this pregnancy and started telling family at about 5 weeks.  A few days later, I started cramping and spotting and was sure I was having a miscarriage.  I went in for an ultrasound and there was nothing there to indicate a healthy or unhealthy pregnancy.  I was sent for more blood work and then would come back for another ultrasound.  At that one, there was growth.  There was actually a gestational sac and the start of something in it.  I left pretty confused because I had actually started bleeding and didn't understand how I wasn't miscarrying.  A few days later the dr brought me back in for another ultrasound and told me that there was more development and now there was also a yolk sac and the start of a fetal pole, BUT it appeared that the sac was implanted in my cervix instead of my uterus.  A pregnancy cannot continue in the cervix because there isn't enough room for the baby to grow and if it did continue, I would eventually bleed out and die.  I was referred to a specialist who confirmed this diagnosis when he did  his own ultrasound and then told me that I would need a shot to end the pregnancy.    During this last ultrasound, there was further development and a heartbeat...  My baby was alive and I had to kill it by ending the pregnancy or it would kill me!  I knew I had to get the shots or I would be leaving Allison without a mother. 

I cried and kept asking God "Why?"  After everything we had been through with Adam, why was this happening?  Haven't I been through enough already?  On the way home, I told my baby (who I believe was a girl) that I was so sorry that I had to do that and to please go to Heaven, that her big brother Adam was there to show her around.  I told her that mommy would see her again someday and that I loved her.  In my head I know I did what I had to do, but my heart hurts so bad.  Today has been a week since I got the shots and my head is still telling me that I killed my baby.  I just don't understand why I can't have a second living child.  It seems like everybody I know is announcing that they are pregnant these days.  I would love to give it one more shot, but Steve is totally against it and I don't know if I can take anymore heartache.  I am also upset for Allison.  I don't know what I would do without my brother and sisters and she is going to grow up without any.  I feel like she is being cheated.  It also doesn't help that she constantly prays to have a baby sister.  And I can't give her one. 

We weren't going to share this with anyone, and Steve doesn't even know I am writing this.  But keeping this inside has been eating me alive.  I want another baby!  I want to be pregnant!  I want to give Allison a sibling!  Every time I see a pregnancy announcement, an ultrasound picture, a pregnant woman complaining about being nauseous, a mother of a newborn complaining about not getting any sleep,  it makes me want to scream and cry.  I am becoming so bitter!  For the new year, I am going to have to guard my heart until it can heal some.  Until I come to terms with Allison being my only child that I get to see grow up.  I am going to try to stay away from Facebook, Babycenter and even the blogs.  I will be back and try to catch up with everybody when I feel like I am stronger, but right now, it is just too much...

6 comments:

Laura said...

April,
My heart aches for you. I am so so sorry you are hurting like this. I wish there were words that could take your pain away. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Laura

Nurse Heidi said...

April,
You and I both know that there aren't really any good words for this sort of a situation. It just hurts. Deeply. I'm sorry. It's a difficult thing to reconcile what you've always dreamed of versus what life turns out to be. It's taking me a long time to come to grips with my own reality. You know that we'll be here when you're ready.

Stephanie said...

April,

I know that I have shared some with you but I can't remember how much. I have walked this very same path. It is heart wrenching. There were so many days that I was not sure that I could even get out of bed to care for my living child. I wanted so badly to hold another child of my own. One that I gave birth to. We lost our baby girl at 23 weeks and I had 8 miscarriages, including one that I had to have shots for. I had so many people beg me to just stop and at least one that told me that more children were not meant to be. I still don't know how I got through that time. I still think about the babies that we lost. I tell you all of this so that you know that you can email or call me any time. Please don't hesitate. The things that you are feeling are completely normal. People can be so cruel without even knowing.

I know that it is still very early in your healing process but don't discount adoption. Please reach out to me if you have questions about that as well. My sister and I have both adopted.

More than anything that I have written above, I want you to know that I love you and you are NOT alone.

Carmelya said...

I have no words.....

Know that I love you and there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about you. Not a day goes by that I'm not praying for you. We all are. Sometimes in life letting it out gives you some peace; even if it's a tiny bit of peace. I pray you never hesitate to call me if you just need to talk, cry, or anything at all.

My heart breaks for you, April. I'm soooo sorry you're having to go through this.

We love you.

Shannon said...

Oh April, I sent you a message on BBC, but I see that you are not on there right now. I feel that we are similar in many ways: we have daughters that are a year apart and we both lost our sons. I cannot even imagine your pain with all of your other losses. I hope that your husband changes his mind if that is what you want. You can send me an email anytime.
-Shannon

Beth said...

April, I hate what you're going through. My heart just aches for you and Steve. And even though you and I have never met face to face, I want you to know that I love you. I think about you often. Someday, when you're ready, your bbc friends will be waiting to welcome you back. Until then, know that you are thought of and loved.
Beth