It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Sunday, November 15, 2009


Its been a week since I last posted and I would like to tell everyone that I am doing so much better and am moving on just fine. But that is not the case. Maybe I am doing a little better, I am not crying as often, but I think that's because I am just sick of crying! I have good hours and bad hours. But the pain is still there so much and I just don't know how to make it stop!

I know I will always love Adam and miss him, but I want to enjoy life again. We have been trying to take Allison to do a lot lately, trying to distract all of us from this, but even when I start to feel "happy", its not "real happiness". Deep down I am crying and screaming and angry and think that life is not fair at all! Why do people who do drugs throughout their pregnancies end up with healthy babies? Why do people abort completely healthy babies every day because they don't want them and I desperately wanted Adam and I can't have him?? It's just not fair!

I have a niece who was born 1 week before Adam. I tried to be strong and see her yesterday, I thought I could do it. Instead, I couldn't even look at her without falling apart inside! Allison was very interested in her and it just hurt so bad. She should be able to be a big sister to her little brother. I should be able to be a mother to my son. Instead I am left with this pain, a piece of me is gone and I can't get it back. My heart continuously aches for Adam. My arms ache to hold him. I just wish I could make sense out of all of this!

There are 2 things that have brought me comfort lately. The first is the pictures that the photographer, Stephanie from Angel's Touch Photography took of Adam. I think I get on her website several times a day to see pictures of my baby. Seeing him just makes me feel better. The only thing I regret, is that Allison was so sick the day he died, that I was unable to get any pictures of her holding him. And that makes me wonder, why did God allow her to get sick that day? He knew that he was taking Adam home and how important it was for me to have pictures of my 2 children together, and yet he allowed her to get sick. While I am upset about this, I do have the pictures of me and Steve with Adam and I am forever thankful to Stephanie for doing this for me. The pictures we took don't even compare to the beauty of the ones she did for us.

Another thing that brings me comfort is a song by MercyMe called Homesick. Actually, I heard it one a slide show Stephanie made of the pictures she took for us and I immediately was able to relate to it. Here are the lyrics:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

The song really just puts into words how I am feeling. I know Adam is much better off in Heaven than here on Earth and I am so happy for him. But it still hurts so bad. We did everything we could to try and save him. Even knowing that it didn't help, I would do it all over again if I had to! The dr bills keep coming in and its just another reminder that no matter how hard you try or how much you pray for something, if it's not what God wants, then you will not get your way. God knows whats best and someday he will tell me why this had to happen.

I am going to start seriously looking for a job this week. I should be released to go back to work in about a month and need to have something lined up. But I know I need something low stress. I cannot return to being an ER nurse right now. It is just too stressful and I think its going to be a long time before I am able to think clearly and don't want to kill anyone.

We have a free cruise from points from a credit card and really want to take it before I go back to work. I need to get away and relax. Everywhere we go around here, I have a memory of being pregnant with Adam and it just brings back all the pain of knowing that he was alive inside of me and now he's not. We never went on a cruise when was pregnant, so hopefully we will be able to escape too many painful memories, even if for only a few days. As long as Steve's work lets him have a couple days off then we will be able to go in the beginning of December, probably around our anniversary.

Sorry, I feel like I have written a book.


Stephanie said...

April, I am so glad that the pictures bring comfort to you. I also wish that Allison had been well enough for pictures the day that Adam went home. I will never forget how sick she was that day. It hurts my heart.

I know that you really don't know me but I love your family. I was actually thinking of all of you this morning in church. I plan to send a private email to you later. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you have not left my thoughts and prayers.

hollieaz said...

I am so glad that you started this blog and can express your feelings on here. I actually got to thinking after reading this latest post that you should maybe consider writing a book. Seriously! You have such a talented way of expressing your feelings and are not afraid to say what you are truly feeling! I mean, after all you are sort of writing a 'book' on here. Maybe that can be your job that you find! I love you and still think of you every day. I am sending you what we had talked about---I haven't forgotten, I have just been so busy it seems! It's not much from us but I wanted to help even in the littlest way! :)

carebear said...

Oh April, I'm so sorry. I wish there was more I could do for you and your family. But I will tell others of brave Adam's fight and keep his memory alive.
Also, I want to share two lovely womens' blogs that might be able to give you a shoulder to lean on:
mommy's name is Jenn.
Her name is Stephanie.
I have gone what you have just gone through this year also. They are sweet, Christian women that I hope can help let you know they are their for you.

My Very Own Angel said...

Hi April. Karen carebear, sent me your blog url. My heart breaks for you. PUV also took my angel Vayden May 2009. I read your blog and it's like reading my story. PUV is such a hard thing, I only wish I would have known you sooner. I will keep you in my prayers and continue to follow your blog. My blog is

I'd like you to please email me at I'd like to send you something.

God bless you

Vayden's mommy

Bren said...

April, I have been thinking about you and your family. I think a cruise would be a great idea for you. There is something about being out on the ocean that helps with the healing process. My grandpa passed away and that Christmas we went on a cruise with my Grandma and family and even though it was hard because we would always go on cruises with him, we had some kind of comfort just being away and not having to stress about daily life. The sunsets are also so amazing and powerful. It just makes you feel connected to heaven. Maybe that sounds weird but it made me feel closer to my grandpa.
I also think the pictures of Adam are beautiful and I just can't get over how amazing it is that there are people out there who do this for families who have lost children. Take care and you are in my thoughts.