It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I wish....I'm happy that...

I wish... in no particular order, just random thoughts...

I wish that Adam was alive and healthy.
I wish Allison got to be a big sister.
I wish I could have 2 children ( seriously, some people get 19 and I can't have 2?)
I wish I was as strong as people said I was.
I wish a piece of my heart wasn't missing.
I wish I had more patience with Allison lately.
I wish Allison's hugs made me feel better like they used to.
I wish I didn't feel so disconnected from my daughter.
I wish Allison didn't have to pretend to play with her brother.
I wish it didn't break my heart every time she pretended she was holding him.
I wish a part of me didn't want to pretend right along with her.
I wish I could fast forward past Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's this year.
I wish I didn't have to go back to work, EVER!
I wish I could just win the lottery and stay home try to be the best mommy ever to Allison!
I wish the CDU was still the CDU so I could go "home" and work where I was comfortable with people that really care about me instead of finding a new job with strangers who know nothing about me.
I wish I had it in me to be an ER nurse so I could still work with those people.
I wish there was something that could take my pain away.
I wish I could stay in a drunk oblivious state all the time. ( But I am NEVER in this state)
I wish I would have smiled for just one picture of me and Adam.
I wish I could have just one picture of Allison holding Adam.
I wish I could have at least one picture of me, Allison and Adam.
I wish I could go get a new "Family Picture" without feeling like it was wrong because Adam wasn't there.
I wish I didn't get insanely jealous/ upset/ angry when I see a pregnant woman or someone with a very young baby.
I wish I knew why we prayed if God is going to do what he wants to do anyway....
I wish my cruise left sooner...I needed to get away, like, yesterday.
I wish Steve would put the toilet paper on the roller, the "right way", AKA "MY WAY".
I wish I wasn't so angry all the time.
I wish I could be happy, really truly happy again.
I wish I could eat the foods that I ate a lot while I was pregnant without crying.
I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with Adam.
I wish God would've just given me a miracle!
I wish my c-section incision would stop hurting already.
I wish I wasn't such a mess that I could be a better wife to Steve.
I wish my sister, Heather, lived closer.
I wish I was more motivated to care about cleaning, cooking and taking care of my family.
I wish I could figure out where to find graphics to put on the blog...saw some on another blog that I really like, but can't find the link for them anywhere!
I wish I didn't feel like a pregnancy many times have I been pregnant, how many kids do I have?? ( I have more babies in Heaven than I do on Earth)
I wish I wasn't so selfish that I would rather have Adam here with me than healed in Heaven.
I wish I could just hold Adam one more time.
I wish I could say that it didn't cross my mind, for a very brief second, while visiting his grave to dig him up just to hold him again (yeah, I know, very very bad idea, but a grieving mother doesn't have too many good ideas)
I wish I knew how to deal with all of this...

I'm happy that...

I'm happy that I got to be pregnant with Adam for 35 weeks!

I'm happy that I got to feel his kicks, hiccups and bond with him while he was growing.

I'm happy that I got to spend 4 days with Adam while he was alive.

I'm happy that I went the night before Adam died and said "Goodnight".

I'm happy that I have family and friends that are trying to help me through this.

I'm happy that I had a wonderful photographer that took beautiful pictures of my baby boy.

I'm happy that Adam is not suffering at all anymore!

I'm happy that Steve's work gave him the days off to go on the cruise.

I'm happy that we had enough Seamiles Points to take a free cruise.

I'm happy that Allison is a wonderful, caring person. I am lucky to have her as my daughter.

I'm happy that Steve is still putting up with me after almost 4 years of marriage.

I'm happy that listening to Linkin Park and breaking plates allows me to get out some of my anger.

I'm happy that I won a trip to Disney last year and can't wait to take Allison for her birthday.

I'm happy that I started this blog to get out all of my feelings!

1 comment:

Grammy said...

He is a beautiful baby and I am soo sorry for your loss. From what I understand they say time heals all wounds. I would not know that about losing a child. I hope that time will help you.God bless you and keep you.
I also remember hearing God only gives children like Adam to special people. I am so glad that I am not special.
I know personally that e-mails can be taken the wrong way. Sweetie, I love you and I feel for you.This comes from my heart