It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Made it through, the New Year

So I made it through my first Christmas without Adam. Christmas morning was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I was so excited to see Allison open all her presents and "read" the note Santa left for her. But when it was all done, I still felt like something was missing. And there was. Adam. I know 2 mth olds aren't too exciting during Christmas, but I would have loved to have him sitting in his bouncer by the tree watching his big sister open her presents, learning how to do it next year. Instead, I guess he was watching from Heaven.

I decided to make Adam his own stocking, with his name written on it in blue. Allison had one of her own, with her name in her favorite color, purple. I explained to Allison that Santa was going to put presents in her stocking for her and she was upset when I told her that Santa wasn't going to be bringing Adam anything. We had been wanting to find a pin wheel to put at the cemetery for Adam. The little boy next to him has one and it just brings a little life to the area. So I decided that Santa would bring one for Adam, I went to the store and couldn't find any at first, then there was one lonely pin wheel waiting for me a the end of the aisle. I got it and put it in Adam's stocking and let Allison find it for him on Christmas morning.

Before we went to eat dinner with Steve's family, we stopped at the cemetery to visit Adam and put the pin wheel there. My heart was aching to hold him so much that day and then what Allison did made it much worse. While we were there, she kept looking at the ornament on Adam's tree that had his picture on it. I thought that was cute. Then she said she was ready to go and went over to the tree and hugged it, walked away and started waving "goodbye". I had tried really hard not to cry that day because I didn't want to ruin her Christmas, but after she did that I really couldn't hold it in any longer. She would have been such a good big sister to him. I really wish she had that opportunity.

When we were at dinner with Steve's family, my niece was there. She was born one week before Adam. The last time I saw her I fell apart and really was worried that it was going to happen again. But it didn't. I was actually ok seeing her. It did hurt a little, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle. I don't think I am up to spending lots of time around her yet, but someday I will. I am just happy that she is so young because I would hate for her to think her aunt hates her. When she gets older to actually "know" me, I should be better to actually interact with her and maybe even hold her.

Now I have to try to get through the New Year. I think this might be difficult for me. I know logically it makes no sense, but I feel like by moving into 2010, I am leaving Adam behind. I don't want to move on without him. I am sure that after a few weeks into the New Year, I will get over it and just realize that nothing is really different except the date, but for now its just something else for me to deal with.

Since Christmas is over, this coming weekend, we will go to the cemetery and take all of the Christmas stuff down. I don't like to think that Adam won't have decorations there for him. I have decided to change out his decorations each month, to keep everything fresh and new. For January, I am just going with a winter theme. I bought a little snow man and snow flakes. I often feel the need just to go there and visit him, although I don't get to go as much as I would like. I know he's not really there. But by decorating for him and going there and making sure things are kept nice, it's my way of taking care of him. Its the only way I can "take care of him". It may seem silly to some but to me it's a way to still feel like I am Adam's mommy.

And a couple weeks ago, Adam's permanent marker came in. I will post pictures of that and a few Christmas pictures in another post. I am so bad at adding pictures and text in the same post...

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