It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Peace and Shooting Stars

Steve and I went on a cruise last week. It happened to fall on our anniversary, but we took it just to try to get away for awhile. I think it really did me some good because I am starting to feel like a new person. I still miss Adam so much and the pain is still there. I can actually feel the ache in my heart and the knot in my throat doesn't seem to go away. But I have found some sort of peace. Maybe I am starting to reach the grieving stage of acceptance. Maybe I am numb to my sadness, I really don't know. I am not as angry as I was. I have much more patience with Allison. Missing her made me realize how much of a miracle she really is. Maybe Steve and I aren't genetically compatible to have healthy children. Maybe she is our miracle child. It has been so hard losing Adam but it would be 1000 times harder if I didn't have Allison. I really thank God for giving me her before any of the miscarriages and before having Adam. She makes my life worthwhile and gives me a reason to keep going.

I had to buy Allison souvenirs from each of the ports we went to, just something small. It was really hard for me not to want to buy something for Adam too. It seems silly because he can't have anything I buy him, I would just keep it at home or bring it to the cemetery, but I feel like I want to, not have to, but want to buy stuff for him. Maybe I will get over this eventually, and maybe not. It just feels weird not to include one of my children in all aspects of my life.

On the cruise, we had a balcony cabin. We spent the last night of the cruise relaxing out there and enjoying the night breeze. As I was looking up to the stars, I asked God to just show me a shooting star to let me know that Adam was ok. I waited a few minutes and nothing. I figured God wasn't going to give me any kind of sign that Adam was alright because I should just have faith that he was. Then suddenly, I saw it. A shooting star! Steve didn't see it, but I told him that I saw a shooting star and that I had asked God to show it to me. I could tell that he was upset because he had missed it so I asked God to show him one too. Almost as soon as I finished that prayer, Steve said that he just saw one too. Then we just sat there staring at the stars thinking of our little boy. I know Adam was looking down on us from Heaven smiling and knowing how much his parents love him. I know there will be some critics saying that the shooting stars were just a coincidence. And maybe they were. But it gives me peace to think that they were God and Adam's way of telling me to go on with my life that Adam is happier in Heaven than he would be on Earth. Now I think of Adam as my "Little Star"...

3 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

coincidence or no coincidence, you prayed to the Creator of the universe! And He gave you both those shooting stars :) How lovely. I am so glad you are finding that peace or "acceptance". It makes a world of difference.

Lisette said...

I am so glad you are starting to feel a little better. So happy you got to see your shooting star, that is a wonderful gift from above. Sending ((hugs)) your way! Have a blessed Christmas.

kelly manz said...

you dont know me but ive been following your blog. im a heart mommy too. you are in our prayers!