It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Friday, March 5, 2010

It's been awhile....

I didn't write a post at all last month, mainly because it was the worst month that I have had since losing Adam. It started out with a patient of mine dying on my second day off of orientation and ending with me quitting my job. I am feeling so lost and confused. I just don't know what direction I am supposed to be taking from here.

I honestly think in the last month, I could have written a separate blog everyday. And each one probably would have contradicted the one before. This roller coaster ride of grief has so many ups and downs, and I never know what way I am heading. I can be feeling a little down, and then I can either start to feel better or worse. I never know what's coming.

I feel like I have become "the one whose baby died", or the "one who has lost her mind and constantly grieves for her son". And these things are probably true. I need to try to get a handle on my life again and become the person I want to be. It is just SO hard. I just wish there was a new medical break-through that could heal a broken heart. I never knew that a broken heart could physically hurt so bad. It just aches as if it literally was broken. There is a continuous lump in the throat, you know the "lump" you feel before you break down and cry? It doesn't go away.

I had this wonderful idea that I wanted to arrange a 5K run to raise money for a Memorial Fund that I was going to set up in Adam's name to help pay for funeral costs for those who lose a baby or small child. I have this image of how wonderful it would be to help others and keep Adam's name alive. Then I kinda "lost it" again and realized that I have no idea how to start something like this and the stress would just be too much on me right now. I do hope to one day make this dream of mine come true, but I think my mental sanity is a little more important right now.

I got Adam's birth certificate today. I have been putting off going for awhile now. I wasn't real sure why until after I got it today. It is a beautiful certificate. It isn't plain like the one they gave us for Allison. Then, if you look in the right hand corner, you see the word, "deceased". Ouch. That hurts. Yes, I know my son is deceased. I have a death certificate that tells me that. Couldn't they have allowed me to have a birth certificate that tells me about his birth, his life and leave his death out of it? After I got it, I was kind of lost. I didn't have Allison with me, which almost never happens unless I am at a Dr's appt. I walked around Target, not real sure what to do with myself.

I know this post has kind of been all over the place. But so are my thoughts. I don't think I have asked for any prayer requests since Adam passed away. Part of me thought, "Well praying for Adam didn't work, so whats the point?" In reality, praying for Adam did work. God answered almost every prayer I asked him for Adam. I got to see him alive, got to hold him, and God took Adam to Heaven and healed him before I ever had to see him suffer and make the choice to end his life on my terms. Now I am asking for more prayers, this time for me and Steve. Please pray that we can come to peace with all of this and try to continue with our lives, so that we can give Allison the best life possible. Pray, that I get the job that God wants me to have, one that I can handle emotionally and physically. I feel so broken, please ask God to just get me through this tough time and become the person I am supposed to be...


Lisette said...

Oh April, I have been thinking about you so much lately. I am so sorry you had such a difficul month. I wish I could hug you through computer. I read your post and it is how I feel! The feeling of being so lost and being "that lady who lost a baby." I get it, I feel your pain. I will continue to pray that God will guide you through this dificult time for you. I am not the most religous person but I am glad to hear that you understand that God didn't do this to you to hurt you. Even when we feel like he has let us know know that he hasn't. I know our faith has been challeged this past year but we have to believe that there is more to this. One day we will see our angel's again.
Take care of yourself ok.

Anonymous said...

The following comes from Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy by W.J Worden. It is passed to you from another mother who has shared your pain.

Advice For Grieving Parents
It might help you to know that…

The death of your child will hurt more than you could have imagined and your life will change on emotional, physical and spiritual levels.

You can get though it to the other side and still be able to live a meaningful life…but it will take time, patience and effort to heal your devastating loss. I know it may not feel like that right now.

You are living out one of most people’s greatest fear. This is why some of your closest friends or family might be acting standoffish or even disappear. They don’t mean to be mean or neglectful, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Many times they want to be there for you but simply don’t know how. However, if you let them, there are people in your life who can be there for you, champion you, stand by you and will not be afraid to talk about this or go through this fully with you.

Making connections with those who have suffered the same loss you have and have come out on the other side can be especially helpful. This will help you know that you can survive this yourself. It will also give you the gift of freely sharing your experience with someone who you know will understand.

You will be stretched as a couple and grief will test your relationship in new ways. One reason is that you will most likely grieve in different ways and the grief experience will be different for each of you. Practice accepting each others styles of grieving and coping. Avoid thinking the other person isn’t suffering because he/she doesn’t appear to be grieving.

One surprising feeling that parents of children who died feel is guilt for episodes of “not crying.” Just because you enjoyed a conversation, a day, a moment, a comedian, your other children, your work, a friend, nature does not mean you are not grieving. You can enjoy something or someone and still be grieving. Allowing yourself to experience life alongside your grief is exactly what you need to balance the pain of grief.

It’s okay to have sex. This relates to the point I just made about enjoying things. You need intimacy right now and making love is one way to fill that need. And it’s okay not to have sex. You may not feel like it right now and that is completely understandable. One of you may want to have sex and one may not and that can change from day to day. Even if you aren’t having sex, make sure to expression you affection through holding hands, hugs, putting your arm around the other or just sitting together.

Taking care of yourself and each other is a requirement during this time. Consider it as important as brushing your teeth each day. There is a lot of talk about self-care, but I encourage you to actually do at least one thing each day that promotes well-being (such as exercising and eating delicious, healthy food), helps you relax (such as practicing meditation, taking a nap, breathing deeply, and getting a massage) and even though you may resist this, do something that brings you pleasure (such a being around safe people who accept you unconditionally, going out to dinner, shopping, watching your favorite television show, dancing, or going to a game). Encourage each others to do self care. Remember, doing these things does not mean you are not grieving and it will help provide the stamina for the difficult times.

Stephanie said...

I know the physical pain of a broken heart. I still feel it daily. There is no pain like it and there is no relief from it. How I wish that we could take an Advil and make it better but we can't. I know all about the lump that doesn't go away and the scattered thoughts and feelings. It all just plain stinks!

You are right! Not only does God have a plan for you and Steve that goes far beyond the life and loss of Adam but He is holding you as you grieve and heal. The one thing that brings some comfort to me when I am feeling so lost and hurt is to close my eyes and picture the arms of Jesus wrapped around me. Then and only then, do I find the peace that passes all understanding.

I feel so privileged to have met you and to have shared such a special time with you. It is such a blessing for me to watch the rose emerge from the thorns. April, YOU are that rose. Be patient with yourself. Nothing beautiful is created overnight.

carebear said...

I just wanted you to know that I will be walking in Adam's memory for the Kidney Walk in Atlanta. His name will be on our team banner. I have not forgotten your son.