I didn't write a post at all last month, mainly because it was the worst month that I have had since losing Adam. It started out with a patient of mine dying on my second day off of orientation and ending with me quitting my job. I am feeling so lost and confused. I just don't know what direction I am supposed to be taking from here.
I honestly think in the last month, I could have written a separate blog everyday. And each one probably would have contradicted the one before. This roller coaster ride of grief has so many ups and downs, and I never know what way I am heading. I can be feeling a little down, and then I can either start to feel better or worse. I never know what's coming.
I feel like I have become "the one whose baby died", or the "one who has lost her mind and constantly grieves for her son". And these things are probably true. I need to try to get a handle on my life again and become the person I want to be. It is just SO hard. I just wish there was a new medical break-through that could heal a broken heart. I never knew that a broken heart could physically hurt so bad. It just aches as if it literally was broken. There is a continuous lump in the throat, you know the "lump" you feel before you break down and cry? It doesn't go away.
I had this wonderful idea that I wanted to arrange a 5K run to raise money for a Memorial Fund that I was going to set up in Adam's name to help pay for funeral costs for those who lose a baby or small child. I have this image of how wonderful it would be to help others and keep Adam's name alive. Then I kinda "lost it" again and realized that I have no idea how to start something like this and the stress would just be too much on me right now. I do hope to one day make this dream of mine come true, but I think my mental sanity is a little more important right now.
I got Adam's birth certificate today. I have been putting off going for awhile now. I wasn't real sure why until after I got it today. It is a beautiful certificate. It isn't plain like the one they gave us for Allison. Then, if you look in the right hand corner, you see the word, "deceased". Ouch. That hurts. Yes, I know my son is deceased. I have a death certificate that tells me that. Couldn't they have allowed me to have a birth certificate that tells me about his birth, his life and leave his death out of it? After I got it, I was kind of lost. I didn't have Allison with me, which almost never happens unless I am at a Dr's appt. I walked around Target, not real sure what to do with myself.
I know this post has kind of been all over the place. But so are my thoughts. I don't think I have asked for any prayer requests since Adam passed away. Part of me thought, "Well praying for Adam didn't work, so whats the point?" In reality, praying for Adam did work. God answered almost every prayer I asked him for Adam. I got to see him alive, got to hold him, and God took Adam to Heaven and healed him before I ever had to see him suffer and make the choice to end his life on my terms. Now I am asking for more prayers, this time for me and Steve. Please pray that we can come to peace with all of this and try to continue with our lives, so that we can give Allison the best life possible. Pray, that I get the job that God wants me to have, one that I can handle emotionally and physically. I feel so broken, please ask God to just get me through this tough time and become the person I am supposed to be...