It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A Letter to my Little Star....

       It has been more than 5 1/2 months since you went to Heaven and I don't think I will ever stop missing you.  Sometimes, I just sit and think about you.  I remember how you used to hiccup quite often and kick my left side with your little heels so hard that it would really hurt.  I remember sitting in the shower rubbing my belly just sitting there waiting for even the slightest little nudge from you so that I knew you were ok.  I remember how scared I was during your surgery when I was still pregnant and your heart rate started to drop and they had to quickly bring you back.  I had just gotten used to the idea that you were a boy and I just wanted to start sobbing in the middle of the surgery because I thought I was losing my baby boy right then. 

I feel like I was so scared about how your little life would turn out that I did not allow myself to enjoy you growing inside of me.  I wish I would have talked to you more.  I wish I would have had maternity pictures taken.  Actually, I have a few thanks to your Aunt Jenn for making me take some while we were at the pumpkin patch about a week before you decided you were done being squished inside my belly and wanted out to stretch.

 I think about how scared I was during your delivery when you came out without crying.  Nobody was telling us if you were even alive.  I was hoping so much that your lungs would have grown enough so that you would be able to breath by yourself and wouldn't need to have that awful tube down your throat.  But they were so small and stiff, you couldn't even cry.  How would I have liked to hear just a little cry or whimper from you, or see you move, even if it was just moving a little toe. 

And many times, I think back to what really turns out to be the best day of your short life, the day Jesus brought you to Heaven.  I don't know how I managed to run to you so fast after having surgery just 4 days before.  I think God temporarily numbed the pain for me so I could get to you.  But when me and daddy got there, it was too late.  You were already gone.  You looked so pale and exhausted.  But God had taken you and relieved you from anymore suffering.  How nice it was to feel you in my arms.  I am also very lucky to have had professional pictures of you that are hung up all over the house.  Nobody will ever be able to come over and not know who you are!

These past few months have been really hard.  But I am starting to accept that you are gone and I am going to have to be patient to wait my turn to go to Heaven and get to know you.  I constantly look up at the stars and think of you.  I pray all the time for a shooting star, but haven't seen one since the cruise, maybe you could ask God to give me one more?  I go often to "check on your things", as your big sister Allison calls it.  She misses you so much too!  Sometimes she pretends to carry you around and play with you.  She says that she sees you sometimes too.  It really makes me wonder if she really does.  Baby, mommy would like to see you too!  The other day, I couldn't get to sleep so I just closed my eyes and pretended that you were lying next to me sleeping like Allison used to do.  I probably had the most peaceful sleep that I have had in a long time.

Most of all Adam, I just want you to know how much mommy loves and misses you.  I wish I could see what you were doing.  Lately I have just been feeling more at peace, I feel like you really are ok and happy, happier than I ever could have made you here. 

There was a time not too long ago, that I just wanted to give up on life.  Then I heard this wonderful song that has really inspired me to keep going and know that I can overcome anything with the help of God. 

Britt Nicole- "Walk on Water"
I love you, Adam!!  I will never forget you and you will always be my son and a part of this family!!!


Stephanie said...

I love the new blog layout and the way that you are using his pictures. Adam is so lucky to have such a loving Mommy!

Lisette said...

What a beautiful post. I am glad that you are feeling a little bit more at peace. Our angel's are in the best care possible. I think of you and Adam everyday, ((HUGS)).