Faith Like a Child

Allison was playing with her stuffed bunny today that plays, "Jesus Loves Me". She was singing and dancing and just overall very happy. And it really got me to thinking. Here is a 2 year old who is still trying to figure out the world. For months she was told that she was going to have a little brother. He was going to come out of mommy's belly and play with her. She used to talk to him and whisper to my belly. And I know he heard her because everytime she would talk to him, he would kick. Adam loved to hear his big sister.

She was then told that Adam was born but was very sick and she couldn't see him yet. 4 days later I had to explain to her that Adam went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Honestly, other than singing, "Jesus Loves Me", I never really talked to her about Jesus or God. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to explain to her about someone that she couldn't see. I just didn't think she would understand.

After we talked, she did seem to understand, in her own way. She always tells me that Adam is in Heaven with Jesus and one day Jesus will take her to Heaven too. She loves any song that talks about Jesus and asks quite often to hear a select few.

I wish I had faith like her. If I really didn't understand the concept of God and Jesus and one day I was told that this "Jesus" man took my brother to Heaven and I couldn't go see him, I think I would come to hate this person they call "Jesus". I would be downright angry! Luckily, I do understand. And luckily Allison has fallen in love with Jesus. She isn't made at him at all for taking Adam. She understands that He was the only one able to fix her brother and make him better. She knows that one day she will be able to go to Heaven with Adam and Jesus.

Even with my understanding and relationship with God, I will admit that many times I am mad. I am frustrated. I don't understand why this had to happen to Adam. Why this had to happen to me and my family. There are so many women getting pregnant everyday with healthy babies that they don't want and they abort them, put them up for adoption or just neglect them so that these children don't know what love is. There are women who are terminating their babies because they aren't perfect, because they have down syndrome or another birth defect that is not fatal. What I would give to have Adam here with down syndrome or another problem that could be medically treated. I just don't get it.

I think I need to learn a lesson from Allison and just trust in God, believe that he knows what is best for Adam and my family and stop questioning why. One day, when it is my turn to go to Heaven, I will have all my questions answered and will surely thank God for giving me Adam and for taking him away. Until then, I just need to have faith like a child....

Need to clarify...

I guess I wasn't very clear in my blog last night when I said that I didn't see the point of living on this earth anymore. The truth is, I don't. But I also don't have a choice in the matter. I am here until God is ready to take me Home. I am frustrated with how the world is, but I am also making the best of it. I don't have dreams for myself of buying a lot of possessions, they're just "things". I don't exactly like being a nurse, but I know in the big scheme of things, it's only temporary. I think when you really get to know grief and feel real pain, the smaller things in life just seem so insignificant. I don't care what other people think anymore. Sometimes when people get upset over little things, I just want to roll my eyes because it's just so unimportant when you really think about it.

I think losing Adam has actually made me a better mother and wife. I have gotten much closer to Steve, our relationship has definetly has really grown. And I really do think I am a better mother to Allison. I get much more joy out of watching her grow up then I have in a long time. Right now, the only thing I am excited about is taking Allison to Disney World for her 3rd birthday. We even have a calendar that we have been counting down the days for it. I really don't know who's more excited, me or her.

Sorry if I made it seem like I had given up on life because that's not the case. This world just sucks and I am over it. While I may not be "living MY life to the fullest", I am trying to allow Allison to experience as much of the world as she can and am enjoying watching her do it. Maybe someday I will begin to love living again but right now this is the new me and I am doing the best I can...

Guilt

Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt over things that I regret. I feel so guilty for not enjoying my pregnancy with Adam more. I did not talk to him like I did Allison. I did not tell him enough that I loved him. He couldn't kick a lot because he didn't have much fluid but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel it when I rubbed my belly. Why didn't I do it more? I was so sad most of my pregnancy that I just didn't take the time out to enjoy the life growing inside me. I never wanted a picture of my belly. I hate how I look pregnant, but I really wish I would have taken more. And now that I think back, Adam heard all of the things that I was saying when I was upset. He heard me crying. He could hear it when the doctors kept telling me how "grim" of a situation this was. Did he feel my anxiety and fear? I love him so much and I hope through everything, he was able to sense that.

Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.

I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.

I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!

Back to Work

I went back to work last week. I am working in the same hospital but on a different unit with patients that are a little different than what I am used to. I have a lot to learn. The first couple days were pretty rough. I cried the whole way to work and the whole way home. I even had to hide in the bathroom a couple times to wipe my tears. The first day it was very surreal. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I was back to work. It was another step in moving on. A hard step. I saw some people who knew about Adam and would ask how I was. I saw people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know the outcome and I would have to tell them what happened. And I saw people that didn't even remember I was pregnant and had no idea how much I was hurting. No matter how much knowledge anybody had about me and Adam it hurt to talk about it. But it also felt nice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess it just brought back lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with while I was working. But it felt nice to hear my sons name and think about him.

I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.

This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.

Goodbye 2009

Goodbye 2009. What an awful year it was and it is a year I will never forget! I said in my last post that I really was having trouble leaving 2009. It was the year I got pregnant with Adam, the year I lost his twin, the year God gave me 4 days to spend with Adam on earth and the year God took Adam to Heaven. As horrible as it was, I would go through it all again, just to have that chance to see my baby boy. I would go through the amnio, the two bladder taps where the doctor inserted a needle through me to get to Adam's urine, the awful surgery to place a shunt into his bladder, the 5x /week dr appts, the numerous trips to Miami and St.Pete, the helicopter ride to St.Pete, the 24 hours of labor before the csection, the csection where my blood pressure kept dropping and I kept almost passing out, the csection scar that I will always have with me, the running from the Ronald McDonald House 4 days after my surgery to get to Adam after we received the dreaded call, walking in to see my lifeless boy lying there with so many people standing around him, the planning of the funeral.... I would go through it all again if given the choice just to have those 4 days and the forever memories with my son.

Despite all of this, I think I had the best New Years Eve I have had in a long time. Steve, Allison and I went to Chili's for dinner. I think I am becoming addicted to that place thanks to a couple gift cards. When we came home, me and Allison stood outside and watched fireworks that people in the area were putting off. They were nothing compared to the professional ones, but Allison didn't know the difference and it was just wonderful to see her face light up as she watched them in the sky. After Allison went to bed, me and Steve stayed up and watched New Year's Rockin Eve. The closer it got to midnight, the harder it was to hold back the tears. I hated 2009, but I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to leave Adam in 2009 while I moved on with my life in 2010. We sat and watched the clock count down. Tears began to flow. I couldn't stop it. Then we watched the ball drop and with salty tears running down my face, I received a midnight kiss from the best husband in the world. Then he held me and just let me cry. I don't think he really understood why I was so upset, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but he just let me cry and listened to me talk and we both just thought about our precious son. It was a sad New Year's Eve, but I really enjoyed spending it with Steve and Allison.

Now we are moving on into 2010. I really hope this is a much better year. I want to try to be a better mother to Allison and a better wife to Steve. I want to try to get my act together and become the person that I want to be. I want to do something meaningful in Adam's name. When I come up with the perfect idea of what that is, I will let you know.

Goodbye 2009, you will never be forgotten...