I went back to work last week. I am working in the same hospital but on a different unit with patients that are a little different than what I am used to. I have a lot to learn. The first couple days were pretty rough. I cried the whole way to work and the whole way home. I even had to hide in the bathroom a couple times to wipe my tears. The first day it was very surreal. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I was back to work. It was another step in moving on. A hard step. I saw some people who knew about Adam and would ask how I was. I saw people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know the outcome and I would have to tell them what happened. And I saw people that didn't even remember I was pregnant and had no idea how much I was hurting. No matter how much knowledge anybody had about me and Adam it hurt to talk about it. But it also felt nice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess it just brought back lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with while I was working. But it felt nice to hear my sons name and think about him.
I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.
This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.