It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Back to Work

I went back to work last week. I am working in the same hospital but on a different unit with patients that are a little different than what I am used to. I have a lot to learn. The first couple days were pretty rough. I cried the whole way to work and the whole way home. I even had to hide in the bathroom a couple times to wipe my tears. The first day it was very surreal. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I was back to work. It was another step in moving on. A hard step. I saw some people who knew about Adam and would ask how I was. I saw people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know the outcome and I would have to tell them what happened. And I saw people that didn't even remember I was pregnant and had no idea how much I was hurting. No matter how much knowledge anybody had about me and Adam it hurt to talk about it. But it also felt nice. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess it just brought back lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with while I was working. But it felt nice to hear my sons name and think about him.

I was out of work for 4 months and a lot of people asked where I had been. I didn't want to have to explain the whole situation to everyone I saw because that would be too painful and I didn't want people to think that I was just telling them because I wanted sympathy. Without really preparing myself, I just started telling the majority of people that I was out on leave. When the time is right I will tell the people that really matter. I just don't feel like it is necessary to open up to those people that I am simply on a first name basis with and just say "Hi" to while passing in the hallway. I do feel some guilt about not telling the whole world about Adam. If I am asked or if it seems appropriate, of course will not deny my son. But I think he probably forgives me for how I am handling this situation. I am doing the best I can to work again and help provide for my family.

This week, I am feeling better. Last week I was falling apart again. I was sad, depressed, angry and just wanted to die. I thought I had moved passed these feelings. I thought I was doing better and handling this alright. I think going back to work was just very hard on me because it was moving another step away from Adam. The hospital I am working in, is the same hospital that I was transferred from when I went into labor with Adam. If Adam had died in this hospital, there is no way I would ever be able to work there again. It is hard enough when I go there. I remember being taken away in the helicopter, I remember the countless dr appts that I went to there, it is the place I received the news of how bad his condition was, the place I had the amnio, the place I found out he was a boy and not a girl like we originally thought. There are just so many painful memories there, but I am working through it all and doing my best.


Debbi said...

I found your blog thru Hollys months ago.But have never posted. I felt so bad for you and your family . I am almost 52 years old. I lost my baby after 8 hours 33 years ago. I do want you to know sweetie. It does get easier as time goes on. But you NEVER forget...You will NEVER be the person you were before. People will just have to understand that .
I know it was so hard for you to go back to work in this hospital where so many memories of Adam were made. Adam knows how much you love him And he doesnt want his Mommy to have to go thru the pain of telling everyone what happened.
As time goes on , you will tell the people you feel that you want to know. He understands :) Hugs

Lisette said...

I am really sorry that I have been so out of touch and not commenting on your posts.

I could only imagine how hard it must be for you to have to go back to work knowing there are so many memories there. I still feel that everytime I am even near the hospital where Sami was born at. All those raw emotions just come back like if it just happened yesterday. I wish I could tell you it gets better but you and I are pretty much walking hand in hand with this since our angels are only a few days apart.

I wish I could just go to you to cry with and laugh with when we are feeling better. This really sucks and it is not fair but know that together even though we are far apart we will get through this.
God bless you. I hope you have better days at work soon.

Thank you for wishing me luck as I go back next week. I could handle another week or two off!

Sending many ((hugs)) to you!