It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Need to clarify...

I guess I wasn't very clear in my blog last night when I said that I didn't see the point of living on this earth anymore. The truth is, I don't. But I also don't have a choice in the matter. I am here until God is ready to take me Home. I am frustrated with how the world is, but I am also making the best of it. I don't have dreams for myself of buying a lot of possessions, they're just "things". I don't exactly like being a nurse, but I know in the big scheme of things, it's only temporary. I think when you really get to know grief and feel real pain, the smaller things in life just seem so insignificant. I don't care what other people think anymore. Sometimes when people get upset over little things, I just want to roll my eyes because it's just so unimportant when you really think about it.

I think losing Adam has actually made me a better mother and wife. I have gotten much closer to Steve, our relationship has definetly has really grown. And I really do think I am a better mother to Allison. I get much more joy out of watching her grow up then I have in a long time. Right now, the only thing I am excited about is taking Allison to Disney World for her 3rd birthday. We even have a calendar that we have been counting down the days for it. I really don't know who's more excited, me or her.

Sorry if I made it seem like I had given up on life because that's not the case. This world just sucks and I am over it. While I may not be "living MY life to the fullest", I am trying to allow Allison to experience as much of the world as she can and am enjoying watching her do it. Maybe someday I will begin to love living again but right now this is the new me and I am doing the best I can...

3 comments:

Holly said...

I totally get this. This earth doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I mean, I love my family and they are the reason I go on but part of my heart is in Heaven. I don't care as much either what people think. I agree about becoming a better wife and mother too.

dsl1976 said...

April I love your blogs but this one is the GREATEST I think of all. We can all learn from Allison that's for sure. Please keep the updates coming. Anyone who knows and loves you cherish these updates. I love you, Mom

carebear said...

I'm sorry you have been having a rough time this past month and that I've haven't commented. Life keeps us busy! I wanted you to know that I still thank of Adam often. Allison seems to be a pretty smart cookie. Matthew has taught be many things too. I'm a better person because of him. I'm glad Adam made you a better person. What an awesome gift from your son.