Goodbye 2009

Goodbye 2009. What an awful year it was and it is a year I will never forget! I said in my last post that I really was having trouble leaving 2009. It was the year I got pregnant with Adam, the year I lost his twin, the year God gave me 4 days to spend with Adam on earth and the year God took Adam to Heaven. As horrible as it was, I would go through it all again, just to have that chance to see my baby boy. I would go through the amnio, the two bladder taps where the doctor inserted a needle through me to get to Adam's urine, the awful surgery to place a shunt into his bladder, the 5x /week dr appts, the numerous trips to Miami and St.Pete, the helicopter ride to St.Pete, the 24 hours of labor before the csection, the csection where my blood pressure kept dropping and I kept almost passing out, the csection scar that I will always have with me, the running from the Ronald McDonald House 4 days after my surgery to get to Adam after we received the dreaded call, walking in to see my lifeless boy lying there with so many people standing around him, the planning of the funeral.... I would go through it all again if given the choice just to have those 4 days and the forever memories with my son.

Despite all of this, I think I had the best New Years Eve I have had in a long time. Steve, Allison and I went to Chili's for dinner. I think I am becoming addicted to that place thanks to a couple gift cards. When we came home, me and Allison stood outside and watched fireworks that people in the area were putting off. They were nothing compared to the professional ones, but Allison didn't know the difference and it was just wonderful to see her face light up as she watched them in the sky. After Allison went to bed, me and Steve stayed up and watched New Year's Rockin Eve. The closer it got to midnight, the harder it was to hold back the tears. I hated 2009, but I didn't want to leave it. I didn't want to leave Adam in 2009 while I moved on with my life in 2010. We sat and watched the clock count down. Tears began to flow. I couldn't stop it. Then we watched the ball drop and with salty tears running down my face, I received a midnight kiss from the best husband in the world. Then he held me and just let me cry. I don't think he really understood why I was so upset, and I'm sure many of you don't either, but he just let me cry and listened to me talk and we both just thought about our precious son. It was a sad New Year's Eve, but I really enjoyed spending it with Steve and Allison.

Now we are moving on into 2010. I really hope this is a much better year. I want to try to be a better mother to Allison and a better wife to Steve. I want to try to get my act together and become the person that I want to be. I want to do something meaningful in Adam's name. When I come up with the perfect idea of what that is, I will let you know.

Goodbye 2009, you will never be forgotten...