It's not about what God has done to me, but what he has done for Adam...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt over things that I regret. I feel so guilty for not enjoying my pregnancy with Adam more. I did not talk to him like I did Allison. I did not tell him enough that I loved him. He couldn't kick a lot because he didn't have much fluid but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel it when I rubbed my belly. Why didn't I do it more? I was so sad most of my pregnancy that I just didn't take the time out to enjoy the life growing inside me. I never wanted a picture of my belly. I hate how I look pregnant, but I really wish I would have taken more. And now that I think back, Adam heard all of the things that I was saying when I was upset. He heard me crying. He could hear it when the doctors kept telling me how "grim" of a situation this was. Did he feel my anxiety and fear? I love him so much and I hope through everything, he was able to sense that.

Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.

I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.

I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!


Stephanie said...

April, I know that nothing that I can ever say will make things better or easier for you. I can tell you not to feel guilty but I've been there. It's part of the grieving process. Please don't beat yourself up too much.

I saw you with Adam after he passed and all I saw was a Mommy that loves her baby to Heaven and back. Adam knows how much you love him. It wouldn't have mattered if you bathed and dressed him or not. Once would never have been enough. I think that you were in self preservation mode when Adam was born. You very well could have been in shock. You cannot blame yourself for that.

I can also relate to your feelings of not really caring about the things that this World has to offer. It's painful and quite miserable to live in it. I've just learned to enjoy life again in recent months so I don't know what I could say to help you with that. I do know that God has a plan for you and that Adam would want you to live for him.

I heard a song yesterday that made me think of you and of Adam. It's What it means to be loved by Mark Shultz.

Michelle said...

So sorry for the loss of your precious boy. I've heard we all process grief differently and it sounds to me like maybe distancing yourself was your way of coping with the tremendous loss. I really hope that you find Gods comfort in the hope of the resurrection. I don't beleive God takes our babies, that would be evil and he is Love. We live a world of hurt but that is because the devil is in control behind the scenes and poor God takes the blame. Like you mentioned soon God and Jesus will return and put an end to the suffering and injustice and you can be reunited with your precious babies in a beautiful paradise earth, just like God intended us to live when he first put Adam on Eve in the garden of Eden. I will pray God gives you strength to endure and ability to find peace and joy again for yourself because you deserve it and for your daughter because she deserves a whole mommy.