Lately I have been feeling a lot of guilt over things that I regret. I feel so guilty for not enjoying my pregnancy with Adam more. I did not talk to him like I did Allison. I did not tell him enough that I loved him. He couldn't kick a lot because he didn't have much fluid but that doesn't mean that he couldn't feel it when I rubbed my belly. Why didn't I do it more? I was so sad most of my pregnancy that I just didn't take the time out to enjoy the life growing inside me. I never wanted a picture of my belly. I hate how I look pregnant, but I really wish I would have taken more. And now that I think back, Adam heard all of the things that I was saying when I was upset. He heard me crying. He could hear it when the doctors kept telling me how "grim" of a situation this was. Did he feel my anxiety and fear? I love him so much and I hope through everything, he was able to sense that.
Another thing that I feel guilty about is how I handled things after Adam was born. I did not spend enough time with him while he was in the NICU. I only talked to him once while he was in there and it happened to be the night before he died. 2 days after he was born, Steve wanted go in with me to see him and I told him I didn't want to go right then because I wanted to finish watching the Nascar race that was on. What kind of mother am I? Choosing Nascar over my son?? I will never be able to watch a Nascar Race from Talladega again without feeling horrible about myself. I never went down to see him during the night or even before I showered. Looking back, I just don't understand what was going through my mind. I knew there was a good chance that I wasn't going to have much time with Adam, but I kept putting myself first.
I also feel guilty about how I felt after he died. I don't do good with dead bodies at all. At work, I haven't had too much experience with dying patients yet. The one time I did have a patient die , somebody used my scissors to cut something off of him and those scissors went straight in the trash. I just always thought that if it was my baby, that I would do better than I did. I couldn't bathe Adam. I couldn't dress him. I had the nurse do it while we left for awhile because I just couldn't. That was my only chance to give Adam a bath or get him dressed and I passed on it.
I have read a lot of other women's blogs that have lost their babies too and most of them say that having their babies die has given them a new perspective on life. They are able to appreciate the little things in life and want to live life to the fullest. I feel really guilty that I just do not feel the same way. I don't enjoy this life on earth anymore. I have no desire to be here anymore. Why spend my time here with pain and suffering when I can go to Heaven and be with my little boy and his miscarried siblings and know what true happiness is? I am not suicidal or anything, so don't worry about that. I could never purposely leave Allison here without me, that would be the ultimate selfish act. But instead of dreaming about my future here, I prefer to dream about the day when I finally get to Heaven and be with the rest of my family. The things here just seem so petty compared to the rewards I will have there. I guess I am just able to see the bigger picture of what this life is really about. I am just hoping that Jesus returns to take all of us believers back to Heaven with him sooner than later!!