Allison was playing with her stuffed bunny today that plays, "Jesus Loves Me". She was singing and dancing and just overall very happy. And it really got me to thinking. Here is a 2 year old who is still trying to figure out the world. For months she was told that she was going to have a little brother. He was going to come out of mommy's belly and play with her. She used to talk to him and whisper to my belly. And I know he heard her because everytime she would talk to him, he would kick. Adam loved to hear his big sister.
She was then told that Adam was born but was very sick and she couldn't see him yet. 4 days later I had to explain to her that Adam went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Honestly, other than singing, "Jesus Loves Me", I never really talked to her about Jesus or God. I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to explain to her about someone that she couldn't see. I just didn't think she would understand.
After we talked, she did seem to understand, in her own way. She always tells me that Adam is in Heaven with Jesus and one day Jesus will take her to Heaven too. She loves any song that talks about Jesus and asks quite often to hear a select few.
I wish I had faith like her. If I really didn't understand the concept of God and Jesus and one day I was told that this "Jesus" man took my brother to Heaven and I couldn't go see him, I think I would come to hate this person they call "Jesus". I would be downright angry! Luckily, I do understand. And luckily Allison has fallen in love with Jesus. She isn't made at him at all for taking Adam. She understands that He was the only one able to fix her brother and make him better. She knows that one day she will be able to go to Heaven with Adam and Jesus.
Even with my understanding and relationship with God, I will admit that many times I am mad. I am frustrated. I don't understand why this had to happen to Adam. Why this had to happen to me and my family. There are so many women getting pregnant everyday with healthy babies that they don't want and they abort them, put them up for adoption or just neglect them so that these children don't know what love is. There are women who are terminating their babies because they aren't perfect, because they have down syndrome or another birth defect that is not fatal. What I would give to have Adam here with down syndrome or another problem that could be medically treated. I just don't get it.
I think I need to learn a lesson from Allison and just trust in God, believe that he knows what is best for Adam and my family and stop questioning why. One day, when it is my turn to go to Heaven, I will have all my questions answered and will surely thank God for giving me Adam and for taking him away. Until then, I just need to have faith like a child....
2 comments:
{{{{hugs}}}} doesn't even begin to express how my heart goes out to you. Writing out your thoughts and feelings may be very beneficial as you sort through all that has happened. You are obviously a strong and dedicated woman.
I know exactly what mean when you sometimes doubt your own faith. It is hard and frustrating to try to understand why. I honestly don't think we ever will but we have to believe that God will guide us back to our children. Sending ((hugs)) your way. Thinking of you always.
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