This must be part of God's plan, right?

I want to start out by letting everyone know that this post is going to be a little different than the others. Usually I mostly give the facts with a few added emotions. This time, I will give a few facts and mostly emotions. I apologize if it doesn't make sense and kind of runs together, but there are a few thngs I want to share.

After my dr's appt on Wednesday, my OB had agreed to allow to me continue to work on "light duty". Unfortunately, there isn't anything at my job that I can do that would be considered to be
'light duty". I spoke with my supervisor Thursday and she informed me that I would just have to use my FMLA hours and then they would not be able to hold my position for me. I have about 9 weeks of FMLA hrs. During this time I will continue to be an employee of LMHS and still be able to receive benefits, including the very important health insurance. After this time, I will be "let go" from my position and will lose all benefits, including health insurance. Nice, huh? Lose health insurance right before I have a baby, a special needs baby at that. Ofocurse, there is always the option of paying for COBRA (this would allow me to pay a large amount of money to keep the same insurance for a specified amount of time) or being added to Steve's insurance. Either way, without my income, actually even if we did have my income, there is no way we could afford this!! So I applied for Medicaid.

Usually I don't like asking for help from anyone, not even the government. I want to do things on my own, financially. I hate when there are people I know that are just using the government to sit around on their butts and be lazy. I don't want to be clumped into this category. I know there are some people who really only survive from governement assistance and I believe that these are really the only people who should be getting any kind of financial help. But I don't even know if I will qualify for Medicaid or not. Right now, I am just praying that I do because I really don't know what I will do if I don't get it.

I really just don't know how a big company like Lee Memorial can allow this to happen to one of their employees? I have worked there for 4 1/2 yrs and because of a complicated pregnancy, they are not willing to allow me to remain an employee!! When I was pregnant with Allison and needed to go on lght duty, there was a wonderful program that allowed me to find a position where I could just sit down and work on the computer all day. This really saved my FMLA hours so that I would still have enough hrs to take off when she was born. And I was able to keep my health insurance. I just think that this hospital system is only out for themselves these days and really doesn't care about their employees or their patients for that matter. As long as they get their medicaid/ medicare reimbursment and the "big wigs" can sit in their big offices and comfy chairs, nobody else matters.

Why is all this happening? All I wanted was a baby, a brother or sister for Allison to share her life with. Now I have a sick little boy growing inside me, that may or may not even make it out of the hospital. Things aren't looking too bad right now. His heart is looking better. BUt we don't know if his lungs were able to develop when my amniotic fluid was low. If they didn't, there's nothing they can do for him. Even a ventilator won't be able to sustain his life. We don't know how his kidneys are going to turn out. There may be such little function that he won't live long enough or even be big enough for dialysis. He may be on dialysis for months or years. He might need a kidney transplant. There might even be problems that the ultrasounds haven't been able to pick up. There are so many things that we are not going to know about until he's born. But why is this happening? I have pretty much lost my job. Its going to take a miracle not to lose our house and our car. We could virtually lose everything and I might not even be able to bring a baby home from the hospital!

I am just trying to believe that all of this has to be part of God's plan for me and my family. Why else would all of this bad stuff be happening? I hope that there are better things in store for us. I hope that God will bless us for having faith in him, even during these bad times. I do need everyone's prayers so much right now. Unless Adam decides to make an early appearance, I will probably be induced the 2nd or 3rd week of November. That is just a long time to have to sit around the house and wait. Wait to celebrate my healthy son. Or wait to mourn the loss of my child. The reality of everything is starting to set in. I am not on bedrest, but can't really do too much. Just normal activities of daily living. My mind is my worst enemy right now. All I do is think. Think about Adam, being unemployed, uninsured , think about how I wish I could do more with Allison but physically and financially can't. Think about how I have just about nothing for Adam if he does come home from the hospital. No crib, no swing, no carseat because shopping for it just makes me cry thinking about how I might never get to use any of it.

I am just going to try to take things one day at a time